Page 4 of 13 Rules For Fantastic Phone Sex

“You said three bingo squares. Three.”

“When I asked him what kind of girl he was looking for, he said he wanted to talk to a grown woman.”

“Are you serious?” Men call asking for someone eighteen every day, all day long. They never ask for a grown-up. Never. It’s literally never happened to the best of my knowledge. “That’s not a bingo square; that is a real-life green flag of a man.” She’s screwing with me. I know it. She and the other girls probably sat here coming up with a way to make me think I was getting some great guy on the phone, only to give me some dick who wants to fuck my left nostril or something.

“I shit thee not. I tried to tell you, and you said, and I quote, ‘bullshit.’ He wants to talk to an adult, but I thought I’d give him to you anyway,” she says with a laugh. “You were the one who made ‘unicorn’ one of the bingo squares. He qualifies.”

“Fine,” I say, as though I’m doing her a favor. “I’ll accept this call. What’s his name?”

“Henry Sterling.”

“Grrrrrr. That’s a sexy name.” I love an old-man name with a hot younger man’s sensibilities.

“Wait until you hear his voice.” She has high standards when it comes to voices, so if she says it’s sexy, you know it’s going to be good. “He sounds like a nice man, and he’s a bedtime story.”

How I love a good bedtime story.

CHAPTER TWO

HENRY

“SLEEPYHEAD” — PASSION PIT

“Hello, Henry. I’m Kait.”

A frisson of heat runs through me at her words. She has a voice made for, well, phone sex. What was I thinking? I should hang up right this second and enjoy my misery solo, with my moral fiber intact.

But good manners kick in like a reflex. “Yes, hello, this is Henry.”

There’s a ten-minute minimum, and the clock has started, so I might as well go with it. What’s the worst that could happen, more not sleeping? I’m wide-awake with the screechy notes of “Sleepyhead” by Passion Pit stuck in my brain, and I’d much rather listen to her.

“How are you tonight?” Kait’s words come out low and a little husky. Not sexy, exactly, not a throaty purr or an intentional kind of hot, rather a suggestion of sensuality. I can’t remember a time when someone’s voice had a physical impact on me, but here we are.

“I-I-I’m, uh, I am a little nervous. I-I, uh, I’ve never called, uhm, a service like this before.” The stutter I haven’t worried about since elementary school is unexpectedly eager to reemerge for the first time since my age became a double digit.

“Don’t be. I’m easy to talk to, promise. I only bite if you ask nicely, otherwise it’s painless nibbles.” It should be salacious, but it’s actually profoundly charming when paired with her musical giggle. If we’d met at a bar, I wager she would’ve said it with a grin and a wink, and that makes me smile for the first time on this otherwise miserable and never-ending day.

“What are you up to on this fine evening, sir?”

She’s adorable. To my surprise, my smile grows, and some of the tension in my neck releases. I focus on getting words out smoothly, slowing down and enunciating the way I was taught. “I am beat. Insomnia is my baseline, but tonight is extreme.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right place. I can help you with that.” She pauses, then asks, “How did you hear about our bedtime stories, Henry?”

It’s probably for marketing research, but her tone rings of genuine curiosity. Will there be a survey request at the end of the call? Is that standard for phone sex hotlines? The idea is amusing, but I can’t bring myself to ask. “My friend, actually.” Best friend, if I’m being honest. Even if he is an ass.

“Oh? Is he a client?”

Maybe they give discounts for referrals? “Doubtful. I think he got tired of me complaining about being awake. When I told him I’d tried everything, he texted me a link to your bedtime story ad and asked if I’d tried everything.”

She lets out another soft laugh, and the fatigue I’ve been carrying in my lower back for the last twenty-four hours loosens its grip.

“I’m sure Julian was trying to make a joke, but he underestimated my desperation.”

There’s a smile in her voice when she says, “Well, after a good night’s rest, you’re going to want to thank Julian.”

Also doubtful. I’ll be taking this call to my grave.

“So, tell me, Henry, do you have trouble with sleep initiation or sleep maintenance?”