Page 91 of 13 Rules For Fantastic Phone Sex

“Cleanse it with fire the next time I go to see my folks,” I say. “Fire pit.”

She makes a choking noise and starts to protest but stops herself. “Is there one of you in your Blue’s Clues giant chair?”

“Sort of. There’s one where we’re playing footsie.” I slip through a stack of large canvases. “Here, the backs of our respective chairs, toes touching on an ottoman.”

“Adorable.”

“Painting it out is healthy,” I say as though I might convince myself.

“If you aren’t happy, it isn’t over. You live in the same city now. It’s you that has to live with the decision to not speak to him.”

“I’m never going to reach out to him,” I say. It’s true. “I gave him my word. Let’s not make more out of it than it was. He’s a caller who quit calling. I’m in this city to start my brand-new life.”

“Fair enough.”

“Some days,” I admit, “I hope the sound of my voice haunts him, but I don’t want to dwell on pain either.” Jess nods but looks at me in confusion when I laugh. “I hope he has vivid dreams about how wonderful I am and remembers all of it.” I grin. Pure schadenfreude feels… fantastic. “And I wish for the next woman he fucks to lie there like a clammy, dead fish. And his brothers find out he adores Wham!”

“Go on!” She claps and looks delighted as I ramble on.

“I hope his showers are tepid.” Hah!

“Yes!” Jess enjoys my little diatribe, a sadistic smirk spreading across her beautiful face. With every rotten thing I say, the worry fades. “You’re practically morphing into Alanis Morissette.”

Look at me taking the low road for a change. It’s fun.

“I hope traffic lights are always red for him and his doctor tells him he can never have bacon or sugar ever again,” she says.

I laugh. “And sticky toffee pudding. He lives for that stuff.”

Now we’re both smiling.

“I don’t want him to fall to pieces,” I say with sincerity. “But it would be great if, for an hour or two, he felt what I felt the days after.”

Sadness washes over Jessica’s face. Vehement, and like the bestest bestie in the whole wide world, she says, “I’ll call him. I swear I will. I’ll find out if he’s filled with regret.” Her eyes are sad. I look away. I can’t stand to have her feel sorry for me. “If he’s an asshole or can’t find you. I’d bet everything he made a stupid decision, and he can’t fix it.”

“No, he can’t. And that’s the price you pay when you behave like a child and refuse to listen. C’est la vie.” I get that it’s hard to watch someone hurt, but this is different. “It’s over.” I’m resolute. I’m so resolute I could be the resolute desk.

“I don’t believe that for one second. He wants to fix it and can’t, you can and won’t. It’s a Greek tragedy.”

“It isn’t. He’s allowed to stop calling phone sex without us calling him up two months later. That might be harmful for him, and we want him to be healthy and happy,” I say, and to my pleasant surprise, it’s true. I wish him well.

“Screw that. I hope he’s allergic to corn,” Jessica snarls. “Remember that mean-as-a-snake cheerleader? She couldn’t eat in restaurants, and she never got to eat dessert.” Her cunning smile reminds me to never cross her, her lips turning up into a sinister smile. “Corn and soy. And maybe gluten so he can never again eat sticky toffee pudding.”

“How on earth do you know about his STP addiction?”

“If you weren’t talking to him, you were talking about him,” she says, and my stomach drops for a second. It’s fine. Everything is fine. “If you had one wish, Kaitlin, what would you wish for?” She asks like she knows the answer. “For him to walk in your shoes for a few hours?”

“I’d wish I never swore to keep his name out of my mouth. It’s like having a sore throat, and you realize how much you swallow because it hurts every time? I had no idea how much I said his name until I didn’t. I must have been so obnoxious about him. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. I loved it, watching you fall in love. I miss it.”

“Wait, I want to change my wish,” I say, suddenly fatigued. “I wish for him to find true love, someone who cares about him and loves him. Not his money, not his face—him.”

“That’s outrageously thoughtful.”

“It’s purely selfish. I have to forgive him to find peace, so here I am, laying claim to the serenity I deserve.”

“You deserve wonderful things, Kaitlin.”