Page 6 of Last Rites

The list grew longer by the day, and I didn’t know how to stop it. I’d come too far, sacrificed too much, and if I didn’t manage to disband the cult that had destroyed my family and so many others, it would have been for nothing.

“I got away, you know. Tried to be someone you could be proud of. Not sure I managed.” Tears threatened again, and I took measured breaths to push them back. “And then I met someone, and… and I should have known how it would end, because that’s how it always ends. I have someone good, and I get used to them being there, and then they’re gone again. But it gets harder every time to go back to being alone. I’m not good at being alone, even if I convince myself that I am sometimes.

“But it was my fault this time. I messed everything up. I really tried to keep him at a distance, but he’s so persistent.” I wasn’t sure if the sound that came out of me was a laugh or a sob. “He just… wormed his way in. I shouldn’t have brought him with me in the first place because I knew what joining the Bone Men would entail, and I knew that no matter how hard I tried, I wouldn’t be able to keep him safe. But I didn’t want to go alone, and I was selfish, and I knew how this had to end.”

I scrubbed at the wetness on my cheeks and struggled to breathe through the tightness in my chest. The feeling of not being able to catch my breath was becoming far too familiar, but it was only fair that if Penny should suffer through damaged lungs because of me, I should suffer as well.

“I tried not to fall in love with him, but I failed at that, too. We’re engaged, and now I can’t bear to lose him. But I have to. Because it’s this—leaving him behind and hoping he stays where he’s safe—or maybe losing him forever. He deserves so much better than me.” I hiccupped a sob. “He’s a good man, Mom. Really good. And he tells me I am, too, and for a while I believed him. There’s a part of me that still wants to. But after all of this, I’m afraid that I’m just… not. That I haven’t been for a long time. Just add that to the list of things you’d be disappointed in me for.”

My throat clogged with emotion, and I sagged against the willow’s trunk. It was impossible to think of Penny and not wish I could hold him one more time, feel his heat as he crowded in against me beneath the covers. To feel his fingers in my hair, easing peace into me with every stroke.

I could hardly sleep without him anymore.

“I love him, Mom. More than I ever thought I could love anyone. But I promised I wouldn’t leave him behind, and that’s exactly what I did. I know how he thinks, and I know he’ll think this is his fault, and…” Realization hit me like a fist to the gut. “He’ll think Merrick was right and that all this time he’s only been a means to an end, and now that I’ve wrung out his usefulness, I don’t need him anymore. That all of this was some kind of act, and I can’t even blame him for thinking that because what kind of man does something like this to the person he loves? He has every reason to doubt me, and that hurts the worst.”

No amount of assuring myself that it was worth it, that I’d give it all up just to know Penny was safe, was enough to soothe the guilt that cracked my heart into pieces. Even though his safety was paramount, I couldn’t deny the damage I was doing to both of us. And if I wasn’t around when this was all over, I would die knowing this was a wound I could never atone for.

And Penny would go on living after I was gone, cursing the day he met me.

“I don’t know if I’ll be back.” My fingers skimmed over the stone again. “I’m going to finish what I started, and I’m going to fight with all I have to come out the other side alive. Partly because I’m afraid to die, and mostly because I need to keep my promise to Penny. I need to go back.

“But there’s a chance I won’t make it out of this.” I couldn’t help a bitter chuckle. “The Shroud Warden has already tried to kill me more than once. My luck is bound to run out eventually. But if I do die, maybe I can find a way to convince Eeus to release my soul and send it home to you so you don’t have to be alone anymore. And I hope there’s at least one thing you can find to be proud of me for.”

3

Kit

Ididn’t get on the road until well past midday, and I took the long way out of town to avoid having to face my cousin and his wife again. I meant to come and go as a stranger, so they were better off with only suspicions and no confirmation. Besides, I wasn’t sure I could lie a second time.

Once Willowvale disappeared behind me over the swell of a hill, some of the tension that had bound me up that morning eased. That just left the ache in my bones from spending the night huddled in a ball. Between that and feeling like I had barely slept at all, I managed to push thoughts of everything else to the background and let the monotony of the journey lull me into blissful mental quiet.

The remainder of the trip was uneventful. I vacillated between guilt and panic and exhausted indifference in an endless loop over those three days until the gates of Ashpoint loomed ahead of me. Deep shadows stretched before them as the sun dipped below the mountain, and two figures with lanterns hauled the gates open to admit me.

Once inside, I slid down from the driver’s bench and took the horse by the bridle, then led her around the outer road and to the house that was only a home when Penny was in it.

That thought was enough to spark an ache of longing in me that no one in Ashpoint could soothe.

A handful of people were out and about. A few waved and called out greetings, but no one stopped me or tried to pull me into conversation. Maybe I looked wretched enough—deep bags beneath my eyes, a four-day beard, and my clothes rumpled from spending three of those days in the cart with no real breaks—that they thought better of trying to be more than neighborly. Whatever the cause, I was thankful for it. I wasn’t ready to explain why Penny wasn’t with me or that he wouldn’t be coming back. It would be hard enough to tell Thoma when I thanked him for watching the cats for us.

Even still, I kept on my guard while navigating the narrow street. Merrick had come back here when Penny banished him from the Oliver farm, and he’d had almost a month since to cook up new accusations against me. The memory of being fetched by a pair of Sentinels after the last time I arrived in town was fresh enough to make me hyperaware of every face I passed.

I reached the house uninterrupted and tied the horse to the hitching post out front. The surrounding street was all but deserted. There was no one to see the sheer effort it took to haul my bag out of the cart and drag myself up onto the stoop. No one to ask what weighed so heavily on me.

I hesitated with my hand on the latch. I still hadn’t figured out what I would tell Thoma. Maybe he would be satisfied with a delayed explanation, pushed off with the excuse that I was too tired to tell the story. I could send him to take the horse and cart back to the stables, and I could… not face the bed I shared with Penny. Collapse on the couch and wallow in misery until sleep took me.

No use putting it off any more. It wouldn’t get easier with further delay, so I pushed my way inside.

Before I could even drop my bag, Ember bolted into the room, mewing insistently as she scaled my pant leg and shirt and wound herself around my neck. Her rolling purr was soothing, and I tipped my head against hers, then looked toward the footsteps approaching from the kitchen.

Any greeting I’d prepared died on my lips when it was not Thoma who appeared through the doorway.

Not our friend.

Not the town stablemaster.

Not our house and pet sitter.

This man was taller, paler, blonder, and the sight of him made my breath catch in my chest.