Page 41 of Sunshine Boy

Julian’s shower was long and Rahul expected he’d be in a dark mood the next few days, having expended his store of sunshine. He pre-empted this by clearing the bedroom of reminders of their gig, preparing a glass of whiskey, and putting on a sedate Spandau Ballet record.

Julian exited the bathroom just as Rahul had expected, eyes heavy-lidded with exhaustion and fingers fidgeting with the remnants of excess energy. Like a loving and patient boyfriend, he kissed Julian’s forehead and led him to the bed where they lay near each other but not quite touching, just like they had every other night since it had happened.

For Rahul, this was enough. All he wanted was to be with him. It’s what he’d been waiting for since they were children. It didn’t matter if they weren’t physically intimate anymore. He’d gone his entire life without that. He didn’t need it now. All he needed was Julian. It was all he’d ever needed. To be there for him, to be here with him. To be needed by him. If they were never intimate again, it wouldn’t matter. He had the memory of when they were, and it was enough to sustain that part of him. For the rest of him, he had the love of the most incredible man on Earth. And if that wasn’t enough, then he didn’t deserve to call himself a man.

* * *

Rahul awoke that night not to the flailing of one of Julian’s nightmares but to the hot press of lips to his own. He blinked awake in confusion, seeing the blurry shape of Julian above him in the blue and black relief of pre-dawn. He nearly pushed him away, questions of concern bubbling up into his chest. But then Julian’s tongue found its way into his mouth and Rahul decided to hold back any questions until later, too glad to be the recipient of this rare show of affection.

He buried his hands in the silky, product-free locks of Julian’s hair, as soft as when they were kids. He counted every blessing as Julian deepened the kiss and explored his mouth as though it were their first time, fingers splayed over the expanse of Rahul’s chest. Rahul took the liberty of holding onto the bony juts of Julian’s hips as they jerked in little, shallow movements. A selfish part of his heart swelled, wishing Julian could heal enough for them to do even one tenth of what they’d done that night, the night before Julian had left for Michael’s. But his rational mind knew that was something they could only hope for down the line, if at all. And that was okay, he reassured himself. It didn’t matter.

Except Julian’s hand found its way between their bodies and squeezed the straining erection in Rahul’s pyjama bottoms.

He grunted in surprise and gripped Julian’s shoulders, pushing him away enough to look him in the eye. “Jules, what’re you --”

“Shut up,” Julian growled and retook Rahul’s mouth, snaking his hand under the waistband of his pants to grip the length of him and give him two, three hard strokes.

Rahul moaned into his mouth, beyond grateful but unable to erase the lingering doubt in his mind. When Julian pulled his bottoms down to his thighs and chucked his own pants over the side of the bed, he seriously began to worry.

“Jules, come on,” he tried softly. “You don’t have to --”

“I know I don’t have to,” he snapped. Of what Rahul could make out of his expression in the low, monotone light, his face was pinched with determination. “I want to.”

“As long as you’re sure. I don’t want you to do anything you --”

This time he cut him off by spitting wetly into his hand and smearing it over Rahul’s prick before reaching a hand down between his thighs to line him up with his entrance. Rahul gripped his pale thighs tightly to stop him, heart filled with trepidation. “Hey. Come on,” he protested. “You need lube or something at least. You’ll hurt yourself. Let me just --”

“No,” Julian barked, cutting him off again. “Let me do this. Please.” The way he said “please” gave Rahul pause. It was an actual plea. He was asking Rahul for a favour. It was beyond sex or any physical desire. This was something Julian had to do for himself and it didn’t have anything to do with Rahul.

He reached up and cupped Julian’s cheek. His eyes were hauntingly dark and unreadable but the flat set of his mouth was unmistakable. “Okay,” Rahul whispered.

Julian nodded once and continued, ducking his head to get a better view of his ministrations and hiding his face from Rahul’s view.

He felt it when Julian achieved his goal, pleasure shooting through him like lightning as the head of his cock pushed inside him. He’d never had sex without a condom and the heightened pleasure wasn’t just noticeable but altogether mind-altering. He’d be nearly on the verge of coming if it weren’t for the worry that constricted his chest.

With his hands still on Julian’s thighs, he felt as the body above him tensed in pain. Rahul bit his lip until he tasted copper trying to hold back his words of concern and pleas to stop and get lube or a condom or anything to ease Julian’s pain. But Julian gritted his teeth and let out a long breath through his nose, letting himself sink further down Rahul’s length.

He wished it wasn’t like this. He wished it wasn’t under these circumstances. He’d wanted their next time to be as full of passion and lust and love as their first time had been. That might’ve been a foolish, naive desire, but it’s what he’d wanted. What he hadn’t wanted was to watch his lover force himself, endure pain, just try and bear it until it was over. He couldn’t hope to understand what was going through Julian’s mind, but he didn’t want it to be like this. Not like this.

He grabbed hold of the front of Julian’s T-shirt and pulled him in for a kiss, one he hoped spoke the volumes he always infused in their kisses. Then he wrapped one hand around Julian’s half-hard member and the other on his hip, and bucked up into him at the angle he knew would reach that electric place within him. Julian immediately moaned into Rahul’s mouth, cock twitching in Rahul’s hand. He tugged him in time with his thrusts, which he rolled painstakingly slow and precise. Every cell in his body screamed to go faster, to pursue his own pleasure, to seek out climax. But he exercised Herculean self-control and sought only Julian’s pleasure, his heart quickening with every whimper elicited, belly tightening with every shiver of bliss wrung from him.

It wasn’t long before Julian was bouncing in his lap, naked thighs slapping against naked thighs in the hush of the room, and he was arching his back and moaning, one hand in his hair and the other flat against Rahul’s belly. Rahul spread the precum on Julian’s dick as it beaded, lubricating his fast-moving fist. The slow undulation of Julian’s glorious body as he rode Rahul’s aching cock drove him past the point of insanity straight into idolatry. This was his god, and he was beyond lucky to be experiencing this part of him. He’d been chosen for this. He was special. He’d never been special before, in anything in his life. As a child, his father had once sat him down specifically to tell him that he wasn’t special and that he should get his head out of the clouds and start being a contributing member of society. But he must be special, or else he wouldn’t be the sole recipient of this incredible gift from this angel, this singular sensation, this sunshine boy. He didn’t deserve him. He never would. But he was done second-guessing his worthiness to be with him. From now on, he would only be grateful. And would work every day to be the kind of man worthy of him.

He threw his head back and cursed as the pleasure built inside him past the point of comfort. His balls were heavy with orgasm, ready to spill at the slightest provocation. He dug his fingers into Julian’s thighs, unable to articulate everything that his heart knew. He could only continue to give him what he needed, what felt good, to try and make up for what had happened to him, if only in this small, token way. He could never hope to understand what had happened to him, what he was going through, the wound that was healing inside of him. He could only hope that he was doing his part to ease that pain and bring him some much-needed pleasure.

Without warning, Julian sped up his pace, bringing himself down on Rahul’s cock hard and mercilessly fast, grunting attractively in his exertion.

“Jesus,” Rahul swore, his vision whiting out with the hot stab of pleasure that shot through him. “Jules -- Fuck.”

“Rahul,” Julian cried just seconds before his orgasm exploded in Rahul’s hand, steaming jets of it shooting out over his chest and coating his fingers as he continued to pump Julian’s pulsing member.

Rahul’s entire body seized up as Julian’s arse clenched around his cock in blinding, gut-wrenching pleasure. Rahul’s climax barrelled through him at a hundred miles an hour. It wracked his body and left him shaking and gasping for air. For the first time in his life, he came inside someone. Not just someone. Julian. Knowing that his seed was shot deep inside his lover, his boyfriend, the man he’d die a hundred times for, heightened his orgasm in ways he didn’t think possible.

Forgetting Julian’s aversion to being held, he wrapped his arms around Julian’s slender waist and pulled him flush against his chest, Julian’s jizz squidging grossly between them. To his surprise, Julian tensed only a moment before melting into Rahul’s embrace, their chests sharing in their laboured heaves. Julian’s breath was hot and damp against his ear, a comforting presence. Rahul idly stroked his hair, still buried deep within him, as they both began their comedown. He didn’t want this moment to end, for them to go back to their stark realities, one of tender healing for Julian and anxious tiptoeing for Rahul. He wanted things to stay simple, just like this. Two bodies intertwined in passion. No memories, no traumas, no injuries, no futures. Just each other.

“I love you.”

At first, Rahul wasn’t sure who’d been the one to say it. He’d felt it so often, admitted it to Julian even. And right now felt like just the right time to say it. But, after a moment, Rahul realised that it hadn’t been him.