Page 76 of A Love Like Candle Light

"For not finding her. For not even having a lead," I mumble, shame washing over me.

"Erik, look at me." Finally, I lift my head and let my eyes meet hers. "None of this is your fault. It's not even your father's fault, even though he made one hell of a stupid decision. Sometimes the universe is cruel and unfair for no reason. Sadly, this is one of those situations. It's not on your shoulders to make up for fate."

My shoulders drop, still heavy with guilt and shame, but also, the slightest bit of relief.

"On a logical level, I know that," I say, tapping my fingers against the table. "It doesn’t make it any easier for my heart to accept it, though."

"Erik.” She lets out a deep sigh, amusement breaking her breath. “You're stubborn. Just like your dad. Just like me. It’s unfortunately a family trait. And as a fellow stubborn person, I'm telling you: it's okay if you stop.” She lays her hand on my cheek. “I will not be mad at you, and neither will Anthony. We love you because you're a lovely young man, not because you're still searching for your sister."

Her eyes turn glassy. Emotions burn in the back of my throat.

"It's a heavy burden you've been carrying around with yourself. What I'm trying to say is, you can set it down at any time. Don't hurt yourself on my account. Or on Anthony's. As tightly as he’s holding on to hope, he’ll make his peace with it if you’re too burnt to keep searching."

She rapidly blinks away tears, but one makes its way down her cheek and she retracts her hand.

"Ugh, damn it." She hastily wipes it away. "Whenever you tell me about a potential lead and how it didn't work out, a part of me is almost relieved. Because it means you haven't found her body or bones in some ditch." Now it's my turn to squeeze her hand one she returns it to the table. "And as long as you haven't found a corpse, I can hold on to the hope that she's alive out there somewhere. I can convince myself she's living a happy life."

Her lips tug into a sad smile. "But we both know it's not the only way her life might have turned out."

I gulp and nod slowly. She's right.

Thankfully, I haven't worked any of those cases firsthand, though I'm sure Rick has. Maybe those are what made him the unlikeable guy he is today. However, I'm painfully aware of them. I know what can happen to young girls if they get into drugs or land in the wrong hands.

"I know," I choke out. "I have similar thoughts." She takes my hand in hers again.

"So, if it is what you need, then stop. If you need my permission, you have it."

"What I need is closure," I explain, lifting my coffee with slightly trembling hand to take a sip. "And I'm between a rock and a hard place. Not having closure is a buzzing kind of pain I've gotten used to. I can deal with it. But the occasional hope that immediately resulting in a free fall? That's a new pain, much harder to deal with each and every time." I let out a deep sigh. "Knowing my luck, as soon as I decide to give up, the one lead that will help us find her comes." I shake my head. "I can't stop. But God, some days I want to, desperately."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Erik." She lets go of my hand to drink the rest of her coffee. "If anyone in this scenario should be hard on themselves, it's your mother. And she's not going to bother feeling bad about what she put into motion, so really, why should you?"

Our eyes meet and we stare at each other. One blink. Two. Then, as if on cue, we both burst into laughter.

"Fuck, you're right." With a chuckle, I fiddle with my empty mug, feeling a lot better. “That's some perspective."

And she’s right. My mother never bothered to check in once she got out of prison. Never even reached out or asked about Lilith, at least not as far as I’m aware. So far, it’s the best argument I heard to not be so hard on myself. It might just be the one to stick.

"I know, right?" Her smile softens. "You do what's best for yourself, Erik. Now, let’s talk about less heavy topics."

“How did the autumn fair booth go?”

“Oh, amazing! I got two inquiries for custom paintings and we had a lot of fun.”

Suddenly a quick movement outside catches my eye. My gaze trails over her shoulder and out of one of Caleb’s giant windows facing the park, to where a familiar brown shadow darts over the lawn and sparse hay remainders from the fair. Another familiar brown-haired figure throws a frisbee for Abby to catch.

"Anyway, don't let me keep you any longer." Aunt Molly gets up, and so do I.

"I have all the time in the world for you, Aunt Molly." I offer her my arm.

“Such a charmer,” she pats the back of my hand. “Well, I don’t, I have two custom paintings to finish. But good to know I did at least something right when I raised you.”

“You did a lot of things right.”

We walk outside arm in arm and I wave as we walk by Caleb. He’s cleaning the counter, mumbling what I assume are complaints under his breath and he only acknowledges me with a curt nod. However, when aunt Molly says goodbye, he manages to twist the corners of his mouth up into a smile.

As soon as we’re on the sidewalk, my eyes dart over to the park, trying to spot Kylie as I accompany aunt Molly to her car. Her silver Audi is parked right in front of Caleb's, only a few steps away from the entrance.

"Now, honey, don't be a stranger." She pats my shoulder and inspects my face. "How about you come over for dinner next week?"