Page 113 of This is Me

“I like you, too.”

I finally found the words I wanted to say. The ones I had wanted to say for ages. The ones I wished I could say in a different situation. I didn’t want to say them now. I knew they wouldn’t make any difference, but I couldn’t hold them in any longer.

“But you’re not ready,” I muttered, feeling a few tears make their way out of my eyes. “And you’re with Grace. And you can’t do this. Leroy, it isn’t fair.”

I looked at Leroy as more tears started to roll freely down my cheeks, and I could see Leroy’s eyes beginning to get watery, too, as he tried to find something to say.

I could feel my heartbeat picking up in speed, and I could see the hurt and confusion in his eyes. He didn’t deserve this, but neither did I.

“I just—” Leroy started, but I can’t him off.

“Don’t, Leroy. Why did you come here? Why did you think this would be a good idea?”

“I don’t know. I want to be ready to… be… me, and I know I’m not, but I can’t just… I’m losing myself,” Leroy finally finished as he began to break down in front of me, and I pushed off the wall and moved closer to him.

“You’re trying to hold onto something that isn’t going to last.”

“I’m trying to hold onto a home. To a dad,” Leroy said, his voice cracking.

It looked as though he was making a move to reach out to me before shoving his hands into his pockets.

“Then you’re not ready,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady, though failing, hearing it shake. “And what you’re doing… it’s not fair.”

“I didn’t know you liked me.”

“That isn’t the point. You’re with Grace. And I get it. The fear. But sometimes you just need to let go.”

“When I’m with you, I feel like I can. I’ve always felt like I can.” Leroy’s voice continued to break as he pushed off the wall, too, and took a step closer to me. “But I can’t. And I’m sorry. For this. For everything.”

“Don’t be.”

As much as it pained me, I knew I couldn’t hold it against him. I couldn’t be angry at him because he was trying. All Leroy wanted to do was get out of the prison cell he was in. He had spent the last few months trying to regain his footing again. Trying to find who he was. He was lost and scared and just wanted to feel like he belonged. Just like me.

Unlike me, however, Leroy’s father hadn’t been as understanding as mine. He hadn’t come around like my mother. In Leroy’s eyes, he’d lost his father. I couldn’t let him lose any more. And if he let go of who he was trying to be, I couldn’t guarantee it.

“It just feels like I’m drowning,” Leroy whispered, looking to the ground and closing his eyes. “I just wanted to get out. I thought I could if I just…”

“You don’t have to explain it to me, Leroy. Or to anyone,” I started, taking another deep breath.

I knew what I wanted to say, but I was terrified to say it. It meant I would be throwing away the one thing I had wanted for ages. Giving up the person I wanted. But I knew Leroy couldn’t give me what I needed. Not right now.

“Leroy, you don’t have to do anything right now. You don’t have to make that choice. No matter what, there will be people to have your back. I’ll have your back. But…” I paused for a moment as Leroy looked up from the ground to face me

I could see tears still falling from his eyes, just as they were from mine. Even after everything that had happened, and what Leroy had done—I couldn’t do the same thing to him. But I couldn’t do this either.

“I can’t do this, Leroy. Us. Pretending that Grace isn’t there. I don’t want to feel like a lie. I will be there for you and help you figure this all out, but I can’t pretend that I don’t feel something for you. I can’t pretend that it isn’t there. I’m ready to be me. I’m ready to be myself. I can’t do that if I’m with someone who isn’t. Even if that wasn’t your intention. That’s what I’m ready for.”

“So am I,” Leroy started, blinking a few tears away. “I mean, I will be.”

“I’m sorry. But that isn’t good enough.” My voice continued to crack with each word I spoke. I still couldn’t believe what I was doing, but I knew I had to. It was the right thing. “You’ve already got something. Maybe that is who you’re meant to be. And Grace seems nice. Don’t fuck it up.”

Taking a deep breath and hating every moment of what was happening, I mustered every ounce of strength in my body to give Leroy a small smile.

“I’ll see you… I don’t know… hopefully after the ball.”

With that, I gave a small nod and wiped my eyes before turning away from Leroy. I hated that I was doing this. It felt as though my heart was slowly splitting into pieces, but I couldn’t turn back. I hoped he would forgive me for walking away. I hoped he understood why.

Walking back down the street, we had come down, I couldn’t stop the tears continuing to roll down my face. The thought that I had just ruined my happily-ever-after plagued my mind, and it continued to do so as I reached the theatre.

I wasn’t sure where Brad was or how long he would be, so I wandered into the carpark and slipped in my car, hoping I would be able to recompose myself before Brad appeared.

My mind, however, wouldn’t stop reeling. The thought of Leroy standing in the alley kept circling my brain, and the tears kept coming. And as I looked back down the road we had walked, I couldn’t stop feeling as though I had left my heart behind.