Page 4 of This is Me

“Thanks for the offer, but it’s nothing too major. I-I’ve got it.” I skipped the last couple of steps and almost ran into my room, catching a glimpse of a slightly confused Bradly before I closed the door. “Thanks again, Brad!” I quickly said before the door closed, and then flipped the lock.

As soon as I heard the lock mechanic click, I let out a long sigh and leant up against the door. I hated the fact that I had to lie, but I couldn’t leave this any longer. I needed to deal with the video.

After a deep breath, I spun around to face my room. It was quite spacious, but I put that down to the fact of how bare it was. The only things that occupied it was a desk tucked away in the far corner which held a few books and a laptop, and a king-sized bed positioned in the far corner of the room. The camera, its stand, and the chair that I had been in were sitting in the middle of the room were not its usual décor and were generally kept at my desk.

Having them out in the open definitely made the room feel a lot smaller. Though that could have been the anxiety.

Taking a glance at the door behind me, I made my way over to the camera, grabbing it and its stand before pushing the chair back over to the desk in the corner. I slipped the camera from the tripod and placed it on my desk, stashing its stand away.

It wasn’t something I wanted to do, but I knew I would have to watch the video that I’d made and tidy it up slightly. Shaking my head, I dug around in one of the desk’s drawers and pulled out a cable, plugging it into the camera and then into my laptop. It wasn’t long after that I had the video open in an editing program, and I hit play.

“Alright, this is super weird.” My voice slipped out of the speakers, and I turned the volume down even further, making sure no one in the house would hear. To my surprise, I didn’t hate my voice as much as I thought I would.

“This should be easy. This should be easy.” I listened to myself chant and cringed slightly. Why did I have to be so awkward?

“I don’t even know how to talk about this, Jesus. I’ve never really said this out loud, so I guess this is going to be a good place to start. Start accepting myself and all that crap.”

I watched myself on the screen as I spoke directly to the camera. I noticed my whole body was shaking and could see the slight fear in my eyes. I was only talking to a camera. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like if I had done this in front of someone.

The video continued to play, and I found myself not editing the video at all. Instead, I was sitting there and watching it. It was a weird feeling seeing myself in a video and seeing how anxious and scared I was. I knew there were points when I was recording the video where I’d felt like I was going to cry, and those moments were noticeable when re-watching it.

“I’ve been trying to wrap my head around who I am for a long time. Something told me making this video would help. Hearing myself say it. But I don’t know. I keep thinking I need to be what society wants me to be. Who society wants me to be. And I’ve tried so hard to be that person, but I just… don’t think I can.”

The words floated through my laptop’s speakers. The volume was soft, and it was hard for me to hear, but I was still able to catch it. I knew what was coming next, and I mentally prepared for it. It would be the first time I would hear myself say it. Recording the video was the first time I’d said it, but now, I was going to be hearing it. It had taken me a long time to get to this point. To accept myself for who I was. Even at this moment, it didn’t feel like I was there yet, but that’s what the video was for. Hopefully.

“My name is Peter Stone, and I… I’m gay.”

The final words floated out of my laptop’s speakers, and I quickly stopped the video. Nodding silently to myself, I decided that was where I would end the video. The rest of it was me freaking out anyway, which I didn’t need to relive.

“Well, that was fun,” I sarcastically mumbled before falling onto my bed and trying to calm my still anxiously beating heart.