Page 60 of This is Me

I really hoped I hadn’t fucked everything up.

*

“This whole thing has kind of got me thinking of uploading my video to the school’s social wall,” I thought aloud, spinning around on my computer chair.

It was Sunday afternoon, only two nights after my unfortunate afternoon with Leroy, where things had taken a colossally crappy turn. Thankfully, Blaire hadn’t brought the afternoon up over the weekend, even though I could see her itching to talk about it. I did receive a few texts from Andy, however, none of them gave me any information on Leroy. The main phrase he used was, ‘don’t worry.’

That was easy for him to say.

Leroy hadn’t even tried to get in contact with me. No calls, no messages. My fears of them knowing I was gay were being slowly confirmed. Though, Leroy’s unnerving quietness was not putting my mind at ease.

Somehow though, after what had happened and the worry I was feeling, my mind was focused on the video. And even though they were my words, I felt my stomach twist and turn at the sound of them, and I heard Blaire gasp beside me.

“But everyone would see it!” Blaire stated, getting up and walking around my room.

Blaire wasn’t wrong. If I did post the video on the school’s social wall, everyone would see it. But that was the point, and if that was the outcome I wanted, the school’s social wall was the best place to post it.

The social wall was a website that you automatically get signed up for when you got your school email. It was initially made, many years ago, so teachers could let students and parents know what was happening with assignments, field trips, formals, and everything else. Over time, however, students started using it like any other form of social media. At first, it was just the older kids, but soon enough, everyone started using it—all the time. Now, even people who no longer went to the school still used it to keep in touch with old teachers and friends.

It was like Facebook. Without the ads and privacy concerns.

Uploading my video to my profile on the social wall would be broadcasting my coming out to the entire school, including its students, it’s teachers, students who have left the school, and even student’s parents.

This was a horrible idea. Why the fuck was I thinking about doing this?

Maybe it was because I was tired of being so careful with everything I did. Or I was just tired.

My mind, however, kept resting on one specific reason. Maybe if Leroy had known before, we wouldn’t have ended up in the situation we did.

I understood why he was hesitant to speak with me again. He may not have a problem with me being gay—but trying to kiss him? That was a problem. A big fucking problem and it should never have happened.

Was it a sound and logical thought? I had no idea. Blaire, on the other hand, thought I was making a lot of sense.

“That’s a great idea, actually,” she said, continuing to walk circles around my room. “Just think—there aren’t any openly gay people at our school, so you could be, like, an inspirational quote to them.”

“Just… just say an inspiration,” I muttered, continuing to watch Blaire walk around my room, her hands gesturing wildly as she spoke.

She was much more excited about the prospect of posting my video than I was. I was mainly panicking. Which seemed to be a general state for me recently.

“Don’t question my speaking patterns.” Blaire stopped pacing my room and glared at me before continuing. “Just think of the good that could come from this. You won’t have to hide anymore, and you can be as flamboyant as your heart desires!”

“I mean, you aren’t wrong, I guess.”

“Not sure why this was the push you needed to come out, but whatever floats that chubby little body of yours.”

“I’m not that chubby!” I defended, crossing my arms as Blaire came to stand next to me. “Besides, much to my own surprise, it’s Brad that got me thinking about doing it.”

“Your brother Brad? The guy who made you miss your own birthday?” Blaire asked with a chuckle, and I gave her a push.

“No one is ever going to let me live that down,” I murmured, spinning my chair to face my computer. “But, yes. That Brad. We spoke the other day about some things, and… maybe it’s time I was… me.”

“Well, that does make sense, and I do think it’s a good idea. No one should have to hide who they are.”

“True, but this could be the biggest mistake of my life,” I pointed out, and Blaire rolled her entire head. Like a fucking mad man.

“Pete, only really old people give a damn these days. You’ll be fine.”

“I wouldn’t say Mitchell was old.”