Page 89 of This is Me

Was that what I looked like when I used to speak to Leroy? Did I wear that same stupid smile?

“Well, it was good to meet you, Coop,” Blaire said, and I quickly looked away from the both of them, acting as though I hadn’t been watching them.

“You, too, Blaire. You should sit with us one day,” Cooper suggested, and Blaire chuckled.

It was not a typical chuckle either. It was high-pitched, and unlike any sound I had ever heard come out of Blaire’s mouth before.

“Maybe. I’ll have to see.”

Looking up, I saw Blaire and Cooper shaking hands once again, and I waited for them to finish.

“I should be getting home. I need to go over some things with my mum,” Cooper said, breaking up the handshake, and dropping his hand to his side.

“Yeah, Pete, you should be getting home, too,” Blaire said, turning toward me, noticing me for the first time since she’d laid eyes on Cooper. “It’s, uh, the big day. Isn’t it?”

At Blaire’s words, my chest began to feel heavier, and it seemed like a hole in my stomach had appeared—leaving an empty space where I could have sworn there should have been some organs.

After everything that had been happening today, I had completely forgotten that I had planned to go home and face my parents. To be who I was in front of them. My overall plan was to act as though nothing had happened. That was the goal. Whether that would happen, though, was unknown.

Ever since Saturday, when the video had gone live, I had only heard from my parents once. Of course, I had been asleep when they’d tried to contact me, but I got their message when I woke up. Apart from that, I hadn’t heard from them. Brad had told them to give me space, and after hearing that I was okay, they did precisely that.

I never expected them to actually give me the space I needed, so colour me surprised that they did. A part of me, however, was a little disappointed that they hadn’t tried to contact me since.

Yes, it was stupid to be disappointed when you got what you asked for, but maybe if they’d kept trying to contact me, I would know what to expect when I went home. I would have a little insight into what was going to happen. As I stood now, I had nothing. I was going in blind, and I was terrified.

What if they didn’t accept me? Or they didn’t want me anymore?

We had been the perfect family. We had a perfect house in a perfect neighbourhood. What if there wasn’t any place for someone like me in that perfect picture?

There was a large ebbing in the back of my mind that scolded me for wanting more. Why would I want more when I seemingly already had everything? Why couldn’t I just be happy?

No matter how hard I tried to shake that voice away, I could never do it. Sometimes, it got smaller and started to fade. Over the last few days, it had almost been non-existent as I bathed in the relief of finally being myself, but it was still there. Now, it was growing more prominent again.

I was happy being who I was. Showing the world who I was and not wearing a mask anymore. I didn’t think I could go back to not doing that. I didn’t want to go back to locking away parts of who I was. But that was something I would have to do if they didn’t accept me. If my parents didn’t want to see who I was.

I didn’t want to have to hide, but I didn’t want to leave them behind either. However, if they didn’t want to see me without the mask they had grown so accustomed to me wearing, I didn’t think I’d be able to stay.

With all this worrying plaguing my mind, I tried to put on a brave face for my friends.

“It sure is,” I said, trying to force a smile, though I could feel it was coming off as more of a grimace.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Blaire asked, moving to my side, continually shooting glances at Cooper.

I was fighting the urge to roll my eyes at the pair of them.

“No, no. I need to do this alone.”

“Trent will also be going home,” Trent interjected, and the rest of us laughed. “Just in case anyone was wondering.”

“Alright, alright. I think we should all disperse. I shouldn’t run into anyone in the parking lot now,” I added in a mumble, and Blaire nodded.

“Same place on the field for lunch tomorrow?” Cooper asked, and I looked over at him and Trent who had begun to move back out into the open.

“Sounds like a good plan,” I said with a smile on my face, trying not to let my current fear show.

“Alright, well, good luck with your big thing,” Cooper said, kicking at the back of Trent’s heels as they walked past.

“See you tomorrow, Pete,” Trent called, recovering from Cooper’s kick and trying to step on his shoes.