Page 9 of This is Me

“I know. I understand,” I said instead, finally forcing myself to look at Mr Ryans across the desk.

“You’re not in trouble today, Mr Stone, as it is only a first offence. But don’t make it a regular thing.”

I nodded in response, shifting the hot coffee around in my hands, trying to stop it from burning my skin.

“Did you know that we have a school counsellor?” Mr Ryans suddenly asked, looking at me thoughtfully.

“Uh, yes,” I responded slowly, a little taken aback.

“Students usually do things like this when something is bothering them, Mr Stone. Maybe a visit to Mrs Riggs will do you good.”

“Oh, I’m, uh, glad that you care,” I started, slightly lost for words. “But I’m really okay. It was just a spur of the moment thing.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t the truth either, but there was a middle ground somewhere where what I said fit. Something was going on with me, but I doubted it would cause me to act out in any way. And even if it were making me act out, there would be no way in hell I would go and talk to a school counsellor about it.

“Just know the option is always there,” Mr Ryans stated before standing up. “First period should be starting any minute now. You should head there. I’ll let your homeroom teacher know that you arrived.”

“Yes, sir. It won’t happen again,” I quickly said before getting up from my chair and rushing out of his office, taking a deep breath as I stepped into the hallway.

“Fuck me,” I mumbled under my breath as I started walking down the hallway to my first period.

The thought of seeing the councillor was playing on my mind as I walked back down the stairs I had come up earlier. The idea itself was horrifying, and the consequences of following through with it also scared the shit out of me. But maybe there was something to gain from it.

Thinking about it logically, telling someone may make telling other people simpler. But Mrs Riggs? The school counsellor? I had never actually seen the woman in my life, let alone talked to her. I felt if I were going to tell anyone, it’d be someone I knew and trusted. That was if I was going to tell anyone.

“God, I wish this was easier,” I whispered to myself as I came to a stop outside a vacant classroom, waiting for the bell to ring.

My mind began to wander while I waited, and the thought of the video I’d made started to circle in my head.

Knowing that the video existed was horrifying in itself, and there was a slight doubt in my mind that I shouldn’t have made it, but in a way, it had helped me. Even though I’d known that I was gay since I was twelve, I had always had trouble accepting it. I still was having trouble. Maybe it was fear, or perhaps it was because I didn’t want to be different.

All my life, I just wanted to fit in, and as things were now, I did.

Coming out as gay would change that. Accepting that I was gay would change that. But having the video and having said it out loud for the first time—that was a step. A massive one for me. The next one would be actually to say it to someone. Which was what I was scared of.

A bell rippled through the school, the sound of students heading toward their first classes filled my ears, and I silently sighed to myself.

“Why can’t this be easier?”