Page 92 of This is Me

Maybe it was because I already had so many conflicting emotions raging around in my body, and I had only just been able to hold myself together, that this was the final straw. The thing that pushed me over the edge. And as I felt a tear slip from my eye, I broke down.

More tears flowed effortlessly down my face as Blaire undid both of our seatbelts and pulled me into a hug, gently rubbing my back as I cried into her shoulder. The game was no longer on my mind, and all I could think about was my parents and Leroy.

“I-I don’t want to l-lose them,” I spluttered into Blaire’s shirt as she continued to hold me.

The middle console was planting itself firmly in my side as Blaire gently rocked me, but I didn’t care. The pain it was causing was nothing compared to what I was already feeling.

“You won’t, Pete. You won’t,” Blaire muttered, but her words fell on deaf ears.

Everything I had been trying to hold in and hide kept pouring out as I leant into Blaire’s warmth. Trying to get it to envelop me and fight off the coldness I had created. To fill the holes that I could blame no one else for but myself.

“I just w-want to b-be normal,” I choked out, trying to catch what little breath I could.

I don’t know where those words came from, but I couldn’t stop them from coming out or from echoing in my head.

‘I just want to be normal.’

I couldn’t count how many times I had said that or thought that, but it had always been something that played on my mind. For the past few days, I had thought I was past that kind of thinking. That I was finally moving on from that and learning to accept myself and who I was.

I guess it wasn’t that easy.

“You are normal, Pete,” Blaire whispered, doing her best to calm me down, but I knew she had no idea what to say.

Why would she? She had no clue what I was going through or what was happening in my mind, though I didn’t blame her. Even I was having trouble keeping up with it.

One moment I was fine, laughing and enjoying myself with new friends. Two people who were like me. That I had inspired to come out and be themselves.

Then, the next, I was lost again. Wishing for anything other than to be me.

If only they could see me now.

“Leroy doesn’t think so,” I said, managing to keep my voice steady as I wiped my eyes, pulling away from Blaire.

Tears were still falling from my eyes as I sat up straight and turned away from Blaire, looking out the driver’s side window. My body shook as I took in jagged breaths, and my mind came to rest on Leroy again.

It was him.

If he hadn’t walked away, I wouldn’t be feeling like this. If he hadn’t turned his back on me, I wouldn’t feel worthless and like I wasn’t good enough. I wouldn’t feel like I wasn’t normal.

It was him.

The tears slowly stopped falling, as the sadness and worry seeped out of my body, and I stopped shaking. I had been feeling good about myself for the first time in a long time. Even when Leroy first turned his back on me, and after my conversation with Jordan, I had given Leroy the benefit of the doubt, but I was done.

Fuck blaming myself and fuck feeling as though I’m nothing.

I am something, and I should be proud of who I am. Of how far I’ve come.

Wiping my face one more time, I turned to look back at Blaire, who hadn’t said anything since I’d mentioned Leroy. She looked at me with worry and sympathy, and I mustered up a smile for her before taking in a deep, shaky breath.

“Why do we even have school football this late in the year?” I said quietly, my voice cracking with almost every word. “I mean, it’s November for God sake.”

I wiped my eyes one more time as Blaire gave me a small smile and put her hand on my shoulder again.

“To try not to interfere with the out of school season,” Blaire answered, and I was thankful she played along.

I needed to get rid of the anger I was feeling. Not because it was unwarranted, but because I needed to face my parents with a clear mind.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” Blaire asked suddenly, dropped her hand from my shoulder. “Or, just hang here until… until you’re ready?”