Page 128 of For I Have Sinned

“I’ve tried.” I laugh a little, cringing at how fake it sounds.

“I’m glad you are helping out around the convent. It builds character.” The urge to roll my eyes is strong, but I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from doing so. “And your lessons?”

“Great! I’ve been learning so much.” I couldn’t tell her one thing that was taught in any of the lessons.

My lie brings a smile to her face. “Do you feel a change?”

“I do,” I tell her. “Befriending the other women here and seeing the relationship they have with God really pushed me towards taking a step in the right direction. It’s been nice being surrounded by those who serve Him.”

I just know Esther is listening in from next door and trying to hold back her laughter. As if I summoned her, she walks past the open door, shaking her head with a silent laugh. I bite the inside of my cheek to stop myself from smiling and focus back on my mother.

“That is wonderful to hear, Celine. I’m so happy this has been working out for you, and you feel closer to God,” she says, and I swear, it looks like her eyes are becoming glossy with tears.

“Me too. Father Keaton actually has something special planned for us. He says it will bring us even closer to God.”

“Oh, that is great to hear! I love his initiative to help all of you.”

I swear, they are all brainwashed.

“It’s happening Thursday, so I will tell you all about it when you visit the following Wednesday.”

“I can’t wait!” she beams, genuinely happy. “Your father will be joining me next week. Then we can talk about you leaving.”

My body lights up with hope. “Really?”

She nods. “You’ve been making great progress, Celine. I’m proud of you.”

Real tears well in my eyes, but they aren’t happy tears.

I’ve always longed for the day when either of my parents would say those four words to me. They never said it when I graduated from high school or college. They never said it when I got a job at the publishing company. Never once in my entire life did they mutter those words, but today, she’s thinking that I’m finally believing in God, and that was what made her proud.

And it pisses me off.

“I’ll be back next Wednesday with your father, and if he sees the change in you that I am, we will discuss with Father Keaton about you leaving.”

That hope I was holding on to deflates and turns into worry. As a tear rolls down my cheek that my mother doesn’t even acknowledge, I smile. “Okay.”

She says her goodbyes and leaves the office. I bury myself deeper into the chair and let another tear fall. I stare at the desk in front of me, entirely in a daze that I don’t realize someone has entered the office until a hand gently touches my shoulder. My body jolts, but when I twist my head, I find Alex looking at me.

“You’re crying,” he points out, crouching down next to me.

“She said she was proud of me,” I tell him.

His brows furrow. “That’s a good thing, right?”

“She is only saying it because she believes this place is helping me. She is only proud of me because this”—I gesture around the room, talking about the convent—“was her doing. I’ve never heard either of my parents say those words when it was something I accomplished on my own.”

Alex brushes his thumb under my eye to collect the fallen tears. “I’m so sorry, Celine.”

“It doesn’t matter since she believes me. She said that the next visit, she and my father will talk to Father Keaton about me leaving.”

“That’s good,” he reassures me. “We just have to get through the next couple of days.”

Before I can agree, I sense someone standing outside the door. Father Keaton slows his steps as he walks by the office. His eyes meet mine and then slide over to Alex, whose hand is still cupping my face.

Alex drops it and stands, tucking his hands into his pocket. My body goes ice cold, waiting for Father Keaton to say something, but he doesn’t. He just continues on his way.

Alex blows out a long breath, and my body begins to warm again now that Father Keaton is no longer in my line of vision.