Page 50 of For I Have Sinned

Father Alexander

My knee has been bouncing uncontrollably under my desk for the past twenty minutes. It was about five in the morning when I arrived here. A lot earlier than I am used to being up, but I couldn’t sleep.

And it worked out because I avoided seeing anybody. There’s no way I could be around others right now because I’d be afraid I’d slip up about what I had learned. I know that I wouldn’t, but there is that small part of me that feels like it might randomly come out.

The last three nights, I didn’t sleep much. After I showered and changed to go to bed, the night that I began harboring a new secret, I kept tossing and turning in my bed. I’d close my eyes, but sleep barely came. If it did, it was only for a few minutes. Last night, I couldn’t take the feeling of being restless anymore, so I got out of bed and found my way to my office.

It’s been a few hours since I’ve been sitting here, and I’m surprised that I haven’t dozed off. Just knowing what I did and what Father Keaton is doing is keeping me from sleeping. How in the world is he getting any rest while holding in his secret?

I push my laptop away and rest my elbows on the desk. My head falls into my hands, and I let out an exhausted sigh. There is a lot to get done today, but maybe a nap wouldn’t hurt.

Twenty minutes.

That’s all I would need to keep functioning.

With my eyes shut, I control my breathing and begin to drift off. The peaceful moment doesn’t last long before there is a knock at my door. My eyes snap open, and I pray that it is not Father Keaton.

Lifting my head, relief floods me when I see Celine standing there. Her hair is up in a messy bun, her eyes matching mine with fatigue. I lower my eyes to her white dress and realize I can see her hardened nipples through the fabric.

I divert my eyes from her breast and greet her. “Good morning, Celine.”

“Morning,” she says, leaning against the door frame. “You don’t look so good.”

An airy laugh escapes me. “Didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Me neither.”

I set my chin on my hands, which are clasped together, and ask, “What kept you up last night?”

Deep down, I want her to admit that it was because of me. I want her to say that she couldn’t sleep because she kept thinking about how I almost kissed her in the library the other night. Maybe what kept her up the past few days was that she touched herself, and she felt guilty because I told her not to.

All these things I want her to admit, she finally tells me why she couldn’t sleep, and my heart deflates.

“My parents are visiting this morning.”

“You don’t want to see them?”

“Seeing as they tricked me into coming here, no.” Her head relaxes against the frame. “I can’t say I am excited to see them.”

They tricked her into coming here?

I know she mentioned that she wasn’t thrilled to be here, but I would have never thought that the only reason she’s here would be because she was forced to come against her will. Then the memory of her running down the hall on her first day here, looking scared, makes more sense.

“It will probably only be my mother who shows up since my father is too busy, but she’ll spend the entire time judging me.”

“What time is she supposed to be here?”

Celine lifts her head, peeking at the clock on my wall. “Any minute now.”

“Well, you are more than welcome to sit here while you wait,” I offer.

She smiles, entering the office and taking a seat in the chair opposite me. Celine drops her hands into her lap and begins rolling the fabric of her dress between her fingers as she looks around my office.

To the right of my desk is a bookshelf. Along with the books that line the shelves, there are photos of my parents and me.

Celine squints her eyes to see better without having to get up. “Do you have a good relationship with your parents?”

I glance at the photos and feel a pang in my chest. “I do. My mom is my best friend.”