Page 37 of Crusher

I gave in, I allowed Hayes to touch me and my goodness, it felt amazing. I felt like I was home even if it did start out of anger but then when he was finished, I saw his pleasure with her. I-I felt dirty, something I have never felt with him before, so now I’m not only hating myself because I felt that with my husband, but I’m frustrated I gave in to begin with.

I get it, the love is still there, the attraction, the feelings, but none of that means anything without trust. He lost mine, and honestly, if he hadn’t screwed her within a few days of me leaving, his being drunk a pathetic excuse, I could have worked through it with him, but he did sleep with her.

How can I get over something like that?

How can I forget every picture I was sent?

How can I try again without feeling like I’m my mother?

I can’t, it’s just too much, it all is, and him trying to use marriage counseling to stop the divorce, it's just argh, he’s reaching.

“Mama, is Daddy coming around today?” Kayden asks, and I blink and look at my little boy and swallow hard.

He’s his daddy’s double, right down to his eyes and is probably why I could never move on.

Hard to date when your first and only love doubles as your child, reminding you of him every single day.

“I’m not sure, babe, probably, he hasn’t gone one day without coming to see you,” I say softly, and he nods once before looking at his math book, looking like he’s in his own world.

We’ve been in the motel for a week, using money I don’t have spare. Since I gave in six days ago, I’ve managed not to be left alone with my husband who would probably smirk each time he sees me knowing I’m dodging him. I have canceled two sessions with a therapist I know for a fact is a woman screwing the brothers, he’s pissed but I’m not sure what he expected.

“Do we have to go home?” Kayden whispers, and I swear it takes everything inside me not to cry right now.

“I have work, Kayden,” I remind him softly, “Responsibilities,” but he shakes his head.

“You don’t even like your job!” he snaps, his eyes tearing up, and I swallow hard.

I knew he’d find this hard, but I never thought he’d get upset with me over this.

“Knock, knock,” I hear as the door opens, but I don’t look, recognizing Trick’s voice, and I say to my son, “I may not like my job, but it pays for the roof over our heads, and it’s paying for my college and your football fees,” and his bottom lip wobbles.

“I hate you!” he snaps, and I flinch as Trick snaps, “Kayden!” but my son shoves away from the table and storms to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him, and I slowly close my eyes.

He’s never told me that before…

“Alex, he didn’t mean it,” Tricks sighs and I nod as a few tears fall, but I quickly wipe them away and look at Trick who takes a seat on the bed and explains, “He can’t play football for a year, he’s having nightmares, and he’s just met his dad after being shot by a crazy woman not making sense.”

I bite my bottom lip and sniff hard to try and stop the tears before I choke, “It’s fine,” and he shakes his head.

“It isn’t fine, you’re not happy, Alex. Why are you going back? He wants to stay, and I know you’re hurting, but you and Crusher, you belong together,” he says lowly, but I shake my head.

“Don’t start, Miles!” I snap, “I’ve had enough of people telling me what to fricking do. I’ve had enough of Hayes denying the goddamn divorce. When does what I want to come into things?”

“You want Crusher,” Trick grits back, “You’re just being stubborn because he fucked someone else eight fricking years ago and he’s missed enough of his son’s life because of–”

Trick slams his mouth shut, cutting off his own words, and I raise a brow at the man, and I encourage, “Go on, Miles, say it, I dare you!”

He swallows and shakes his head, but I goad, “Because of me, right? I’m the reason why he hasn’t gotten to know his son? Not because of his mom, who didn’t give me a chance to tell her who I was? Not because of the woman he cheated on me with, who has done everything to keep us apart? Not because of the prospect claiming he was with her? But me, right? I’m the reason why he missed out on seven years of his son's life? I’ve been punishing him out of pettiness for hurting me, right? Is that what you wanted to say?” He flinches, “I mean, it isn’t like I’ve been working my ass off since I left town after he chose the club, it isn’t like I was a single teenage mom. It isn’t like I’ve been trying to pay for my own college for a career that bores the shit out of me but would give my son the life he deserves or anything, right? All while calling him several times, only to be threatened with a lawsuit, threatened with a restraining order, right?”

“Alex, I-I, I didn’t mean it, sweetheart. I just, I’m frustrated because you fucking love him,” he whispers, and I scoff, “Because love fixes everything, right? I mean, if he loved me so much, he wouldn’t have had sex with her, and I wouldn’t have it ingrained in my head because of that damn photo I was sent!” I shake my head at him, and I demand, “Get out!” and he flinches again.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” he whispers, but I shake my head and repeat, “I said get out,” and he sighs as he stands.

“I came to tell you that Kayden can now travel,” he admits, and I nod before calling, “Kayden, out now, we’re going home!” and Trick flinches again just as Kayden shouts in anger, and I hear a crash, and I take a deep breath.

I’m pissed, very fricking pissed, and my only saving grace right now is that I’ve left the bags in my car and only brought out what was needed inside.

Instead of snapping at my son, who is rightfully upset, I storm past Trick and grab Kayden's things off the table, then his backpack and shove everything inside.