Page 31 of Guarding Glenda

Linny scooted her chair around the table, then grabbed my hand. “Hey, I’m the one to tell if you’re not. Do you want to talk about it?”

Swiping a rogue tear that escaped off my cheek, I let out a shaky breath. “I can’t remember everything. And I want to know what he was talking about earlier but I also don’t.”

“I get that. I blocked out a lot with my ex. It was how I coped. What did you tell me a while ago? Disassociating?"

Nodding, and taking a few cleansing breaths, I said, “Yep. And apparently I got so good at it I can’t tell dreams from reality.”

“Do you think…” She paused, looking around the yard and at the back door, “That Leigh ever hurt you?”

“Not physically. But, I remember…”

“Hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“After what Dr. Stanley said, though, maybe I need to.” I took another breath, wiping under my eyes with shaky fingers. “What’s so fucked up is I don’t know if I remember correctly. What if I’ve been wrong?”

“Maybe you should think about seeing Dr. Stanley alone? Do you think you want to rehash whatever it is you’re unsure of alone? Or even can?”

“I don’t know.” I did private therapy at the VA for a little while after my discharge but even they were protective of the asshole that attacked me repeatedly. There was no point in staying to be shamed by them, too. Plus, I wanted to be wherever Reggie was, and that meant traveling around for a while. After Reggie died, Sam was the one who told me to at least try group to work through the grief. But I didn’t understand the point of it. I never spoke up. And listening to others talk about their grief only seemed to make me bitter.

It wasn’t their fault, but they all had such common stories of loss. And I wasn’t just grieving Reggie. There was a lot of shit that just kept crushing me and I couldn’t relate to any of them. I finally quit going, shoved everything down, and tried the fake-it-til-you-make-it motto.

For the most part, that was working just fine until Linny came. It wasn’t her fault, but the shift in my pretend-reality shattered once Bama was suddenly unavailable. Even now, I couldn’t explain that to her. I wouldn’t. I could sit and tell her until I’m blue in the face that Bama and I never shared anything other than physical moments, but she’s his Old Lady now. If it were me, I wouldn’t want to hear it so I wouldn’t do that to her.

But I’d learned how to busy myself, practically manage the clubhouse, be outwardly kind and friendly to everyone, and satisfy that need for touch. I knew Bama was safe because I never felt a spark looking at him, even touching him. And while a lot of the guys were emotionally unavailable, they also could be possessive and demanding of the bunnies. Bama was low key, detached, and discreet.

He was over the moon for Linny and Sofie as soon as he met them, though. So I had to do the right thing and let him go. He was never mine to release to begin with. But just like him, I took a fast liking to Linny, too. I had to be honest with her if I wanted her friendship. She didn’t know the version of me before Reggie died. It was refreshing. The other girls were sweet, for the most part, but she didn’t look at me with pity. To her, I was just easy-going Glenda. I thought having a new friend like that would be enough to fill the void, but I was wrong.

To make matters worse, I knew there was someone all along who would’ve welcomed me with open arms, but I hated myself for wanting to let him, so I fought it tooth and nail.

“I think I need to go to the clubhouse. Staying here may not be the best thing.”

Linny nodded. “Okay, but Leigh was pretty adamant about you staying. He won’t make this easy.”

“Which is why I’m calling Sam.”

Chapter 13

Leigh

Hammer was getting impatient with me. I had duties to him and the club but I reminded him we all played a part in this and she deserved better. Still, he said I needed to start at least fielding members or prospects to sit with her because I had to shit to do. The cops seemed to be off our tail but there were rumblings that the Scorpions had been nearby.

It was going to be tough to find someone to stay with her. Ollie was assigned to Linny and he was killed, Glenda was beaten to within an inch of life, and Linny was taken. Sure we found them, but Ollie ain’t coming back. And he was seasoned, smart, and brave. But he was outnumbered. Even if I could find someone to order around, who would be good enough for her?

She was struggling. I wanted to help her, but how?

After serving up their pizza, I plopped down in my recliner. So many sleepless nights in a row had me edgy. Linny and Bruce were with her and my house was off the beaten path and safe. Plus, Bama would be by in a while to collect Linny. If I could get just a little shut eye, I’d be good for another night.

I dozed off, but it was short lived as someone pushed at my boot hanging over the end of the footrest.

“Hey. Leigh.”

Blinking away the haze, I squinted. “Hammer? What’s up?” I hadn’t seen him in days. His brown scruff was more of a beard now and hair was starting to fall over his ears.

“I didn’t want you to wake up and realize, but Glenda’s gone back to the clubhouse.”

Pushing myself up, I jumped from the chair, not pushing the footrest in. “What the fuck, man? Glenda? Glenda?” I ran to the back porch and flung the door open, my voice breaking. “Glenda? Bruce?”

The porch was empty besides the normal table and chairs, which were pushed in and no sodas or plates were there. No sign that Glenda or Linny had been there.