Page 60 of Be My Summer

Ring.

Ring.

Our home phone rang for the hundredth time in the last week. My father wasn’t there to answer the calls. The obvious had taken place. Life had stolen him away from the few of us he kept near to his heart.

Ring.

Ring.

“You’ve reached Ray and Summer. Leave us a message and we’ll get back to you,” we said in unison.

“I won’t, Dad. Don’t lie to the people.”

“Well, I will get back to you or let Summer know you called.”

Not much had changed since we recorded that greeting. I had no intentions of calling anyone back.

“Summer, it’s your aunt Jackie. Jada and Joseph are worried sick about you, baby. Give us a call. We’re sorry about Ray. But, understand he’s not suffering anymore. He’s in a much better place,” my father’s sister-in-law breathed on the line.

Her husband, my father’s brother, lost his battle with cancer eight years ago.

“Please call us back!” Jada yelled in the background.

“Or we’re coming to Roosevelt!” Joseph threatened.

I rolled over as their voices cut out, sinking deeper into the cushion of the chair my father softened each day.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

I watched my cell vibrate nonstop. Ada called every day, religiously. Although her calls went unanswered, my long distance best friend knew my heart. She had to. That’s why she called every day to let me know she was thinking of me. She didn’t need me to answer. She needed me to know she was ready to talk when I was and that she was there. Always would be.

We didn’t talk every day or even every other day. Sometimes, we went a month or two without talking because we both had our own lives. However, we talked for hours catching up whenever we did get on the line. We didn’t operate in dependency in our friendship. That’s what I loved about us.

I love you, too. I thought, closing my eyes for the night.

I’d been in this nightmare for far too long. I was ready to wake up and rediscover my ability to talk. Walk. Smile. Laugh. Cry.

I’d soaked my pillow too many hours in a row. I had no tears left to cry. I’d run out.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

It wasn’t Ada this time. It was him. Without looking at the phone, I could feel him. Sense him. My heart knew him. There was no escaping him. I’d been miserable without him for the last week. I didn’t want to be without him anymore, but I didn’t know how to be with him at the moment, either. I didn’t have the capacity for anything. Not even myself. Not even my own skin. Hair. Nails. Thoughts.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

Bzzzt.

As the vibrations ended, the gruelingly beautiful sounds of a saxophone began to claw at my heartstrings. I closed my eyes, wishing it would disappear. Nothing was pretty about my circumstances. Nothing was beautiful about the state I was in.