Page 51 of Risking it All

“Don’t talk like that, mama.”

“We have to be realistic, Saw. Anyway, you will be proud to know that I finished one of those books. The one about mental strength.”

“That’s good, baby. What about your meds? Are you taking them, or you still trying to cope without them?”

“I want to wean off of them. I looked up a way to do it online.”

“You have to be careful with that online shit. I’ll make you an appointment. You can see someone online.”

“Let me try to do this alone first.”

“You’re never alone, mama. You don’t see my big ass sitting here?”

“You know what I mean.”

“I do, but we’re talking to a doctor. The internet will have you fucked up. How did you feel about the book?”

“It was different. Definitely not enough drama for me. I want to read about the hood, honey. I have to confess that it was nice to have a change of pace, though. It really made me think.”

“Thinking is good.”

“You’re right. I usually don’t read to think. I read so I don’t have to think.”

I nodded. “I get that too.”

“One section in the book talked about shame. I didn’t even realize how much secret shame I’ve been living with. For years, I’ve suffered in silence while blaming myself and everyone around me for my pain. Instead of getting a freaking backbone, I let my pain fester. I should have run like hell a long time ago and faced the consequences. It had to be better than wasting all these years living in misery.”

“Don’t count yourself out, Zenia. You still have a lot of life left to live.”

“We can only hope.”

I leaned in, kissing her cheek as I stood to take my plate to the sink. “We’re not relying on hope. I’m headed out right now to make sure of that.”

Her eyes bugged. “You’re leaving?”

“I’ll be home as soon as I can. You’re safe here, OK?”

“That’s what you said about the hotel.”

“I know what I said, mama, but I got you. I’m not letting anyone get to you again. As long as you stay here until I can figure things out, you’re safe.”

It stung a little bit to know that Zenia no longer trusted me to keep her safe. If I would have had an inkling of what I was up against, it was possible that I could have done a better job. I wasn’t about to beat myself up about what went wrong. My job was to make sure things were good moving forward.

I walked around my kitchen counter and kissed Zenia’s cheek on my way out. I couldn’t look back, or I would have spent the whole day chasing that fat ass and trying to cuddle with her pretty self like a little bitch. It wasn’t the time for that.

Keeping my head on straight, I hopped in my car and drove to Nicholas’s house, taking the scenic route. You never knew when someone was following you. I would never be the one to walk somebody right to my boy’s door.

Since I took the long way, it took about twenty extra minutes for me to get to my destination. As I drove up the driveway, I called Nicholas to let him know I was there. No matter what the situation was, there was no one in the world I trusted more than Nick. His ties and my connections would help separate the bullshit from the facts. Before I stepped out of my car, he was at the door.

“You look like shit,” he said, dapping me up once I was close enough.

Once we were done with the formalities, I followed him inside the house and down to his office. He let me in ahead of him, and I walked over and plopped down in one of the huge leather chairs in front of his desk. Leaning forward, I rested my forehead on my fist.

“I was up most of the night. I haven’t been sleeping too well.”

“Up all night in that forbidden pussy?”

My brows shot together as I sat up straight. “Man, don’t even fuckin’ play like that.”