Page 103 of My Beautiful Sin

“I told you our rooms connected, but we’d kept them locked at night. Earlier, though, we’d been talking, and it was still open. I was in a towel when she passed by the open doors between us. She’d been drinking—a lot. I had, too. I can handle my liquor, but I didn’t want to that night. I wanted to get dead drunk. Blind drunk. I wanted to forget.”

I feel the tears trickle down my cheeks, but don’t wipe them away. Instead I sit perfectly still, wishing that things had been different, just as I’d wished so many times in my life.

“I don’t know what she wanted other than sex. And after a few more drinks, I was happy to oblige.”

I swallow, not sure I want to hear this, but at the same time hanging on his every word.

“I was … rough. And she liked it that way. I—I had a lot of things to work out, and the alcohol was making it easy to get lost.” He drags his fingers through his hair, then pulls me to him, resting his forehead on mine so that we’re touching, but I can’t see his eyes.

“I got lost,” he said. “But I managed to pull out of it. I realized I didn’t want that. Didn’t want her. And so the next night, when she came to my bed, I sent her away.”

“You’ve tied me up,” I whisper. “And I like it rough, too.”

He pulls back, then tilts my chin up, this time looking straight into my soul. “Because I want you. Want to claim you. To own you. And because I know what you like—that possibility of danger, even though it’s only a fantasy, because you know I wouldn’t ever hurt you.”

“Yes.” I swallow, not sure what he’s going to say next.

“With her, all I thought about was you. I was punishing her—punishing myself—because I’d lost you. I was using her, just the way my father uses people. Hurts people.”

I cringe. “You hurt her? It was an accident. She knew you—”

“No.” He almost laughs. “I didn’t hurt her.” He draws in a breath. “She wanted me to. She wanted me to take her where we’d gone the night before, and then some. And when I wouldn’t go there with her, she got angry. Explosive. Said I’d set her up. Used her. And she was right.”

I lean forward and kiss him lightly. “That doesn’t make you a monster, and you didn’t owe her anything after.” I press a palm to his cheek, holding his face steady as I look deep into his eyes. “You can use me, though. I want you to. You know there’s nothing you can do that will push me away. Nothing you can want from me. Sweet. Rough. Whatever you need,” I say gazing into his eyes. “Whenever you need it.”

He smiles, recognizing his own words to me. “Baby, I know.” He pulls me to him, holding me tight until, finally, he rolls me over onto my back, his arms on either side of me as he holds himself above me, those now-familiar green eyes studying me.

“What?” I feel the smile tugging at my mouth as I expect a flirty comment or a long, deep kiss.

So I’m not prepared when he says, very softly, “I love you, El. I’ve always loved you.”

I blink, holding back tears as I try to speak through the thickness in my throat. “I know.”

“I should have said it already. You did, and every time I heard those words, my heart swelled, and I felt like the luckiest man on earth.”

“You’ve said it a thousand times,” I tell him. “There’s ways to talk without saying words.”

“But you still like the words.”

I laugh as he pulls me close. “Yes,” I admit. “Very much.”

We stay like that, our bodies touching, our breath mingling, for what feels like forever. Then he says, “She could be a problem.”

It takes me a minute to shift gears and realize he’s back to talking about Carrie. “What do you mean?”

“I didn’t realize she was holding on to so much anger.”

I nod. “When she first said something, I asked her if she was the one sending the texts. She didn’t say yes, but she didn’t say no, either.”

“Do you think it’s her?”

“Honestly, I’m not sure.” I sit up, pulling my knees to my chest. “There’s something else I have to ask you.”

He shifts, too, his brow furrowing. “This is becoming quite the night,” he says, and I laugh, grateful that he’s lightening the mood.

“Did you know anything about Uncle Peter being involved with porn?”

I know before he answers that he didn’t have a clue. “Are you sure?”