Page 61 of Hidden With You

ChapterNineteen

Jasper paced in his hotel room. A new one, empty of clothes or toiletries or personal belongings. All of his things were still at Zelda’s cottage.

Zelda.

God, what had he done?

He’d fucked up.

He’d fucked up royally, and he knew it. He knew he deserved to lose her. That he’d betrayed her. Not physically, but he’d betrayed her trust. And now she was gone.

He supposed he was lucky he still had a job. Ryan had insisted they go to the Stark Security offices, and Jasper hadn’t been in any position to say no. So he’d followed his boss back to the agency, where Ryan had reamed him in front of everybody who’d been in the office at the time.

Told them the whole story. Rolled out his shame.

And then Ryan had announced that he was on probation. Not because he’d hurt Zelda—Ryan knew damn well that Jasper hadn’t hurt her and never would.

No, the probation was because he hadn’t gone to Ryan or anyone at the agency about the ultimatum.

Now he was on paperwork duty. But at least he was still employed. That was good. If he didn’t have a job, he didn’t know what he would do. He didn’t need the money, but he did need the distraction. Because he’d lost Zelda, and without work, his days would be filled with nothing more than pain and loss.

God, he’d fucked up bad.

“It will get better,” Trevor said. The other agent was sitting on the end of the hotel bed, looking at Jasper like he might explode.

“You can go. I’m not a time bomb.”

“No. I’ll stay. You might want to talk.”

Jasper considered telling the agent to get the hell out of the hotel room. That he didn’t want to talk, and if he did, it wouldn’t be to Trevor.

He hated that Trevor and Simon and Quince in particular knew his shame. Knew that for even a moment, he had actually considered killing Zelda. He hadn’t said so out loud, but the fact that he hadn’t revealed the demand to anyone at Stark Security spoke volumes.

The rest of the agents didn’t matter as much. Not yet. He hadn’t had a chance to meet them personally, other than Leah, and at least she was a shoulder for Zelda to cry on. Zelda deserved that.

But he’d worked side by side with Quince in London. And Trevor and Simon had been at the party. They’d laughed together, played stupid games together, got drunk together. And now, for them to see his flaws…

He shuddered.

“I should have told her,” he said. “If I’d only told Zelda, none of this would have happened. She would’ve understood. I’m certain of it.”

“Were you certain of it back then?”

“I don’t know. Maybe not. I should’ve been. It was so new. It’s still so new. But what I feel for her. It’s so real. But I thought ... I don’t know what I thought. Maybe I was afraid of burdening her with it.”

“Or maybe you were considering it. Killing her, I mean.” Trevor looked him in the eye and said nothing else. Just waited.

He closed his eyes, his throat thick. “I did. I really did. For so long I’ve been trying to find the path to get vengeance for Sandra and Bonnie. And then there it was, in the palm of my hand. Exactly what I was looking for. Only in order to get it, I had to dive into hell. I’d lost the family I loved.”

He opened his eyes and looked straight at Trevor’s. “And to make that right, I was going to have to kill the woman I’d fallen in love with.”

“I get it,” Trevor said. “Of course, you considered it. But considering isn’t the same as doing.”

“But I should’ve told her. I should have admitted I was tempted. And I should’ve trusted her enough to understand that I would never actually go through with it.”

God help him, he had been tempted. But he would never have done it. Zelda had stolen his heart the moment he saw her in that gold dress. She hadn’t pushed Sandra and Bonnie out of his heart; she’d just filled a new and empty space. He would always love them, but he couldn’t be with them.

Zelda was alive and vibrant and beautiful. She fit him, so perfectly. And he’d screwed it all up, simply because he had to keep his goddamn mouth shut.