Page 30 of Never Till Now

“We have our bickering moments, believe me.” I tighten my grip on the wheel. “Did you have fun?”

“It beat being in a hospital for twelve hours.” There’s a pause. “That cake was incredible.” Her sentence ends in a quiet tone, making me feel as if she’s dodging what she wants to talk about.

I remain quiet and let her wind down from her thoughts.

“I don’t get why you’re different.” Her questioning voice holds no conviction.

“Different in what way?”

“Your family seems stable. Happy. I don’t know why you don’t want to share the joy of family with another person.” Her thoughts are valid, and I know she’s not implying that I commit to her.

On the outside, things look great. They are, for the most part. My father and grandfather are definitions of how to treat a woman in a relationship.

“I don’t want this life. The business side of it, I mean.” I wish the words would go back in my mouth but my mind wants to vent. “As selfish as that sounds to people who wish more than anything to achieve it, it lacks human purpose to me. I’m participating in society, but what value am I really bringing people?” My hands grow wet against the wheel and I keep my eyes ahead. “If I don’t want this life, why would I bring a child into it?”

She places her hand on my leg and I feel my heart rate ease. Her gentle touch creates a lump in my throat and for the life of me, I have no fucking reason why the emotion is in full force. Maybe because you’ve never admitted that out loud, dumbass.

“That was beautiful.” Her voice barely whispers above the road noise. “Have you told your family how you feel about your job position?”

“I was born into this, Lauren. They worked their asses off to make something for their family. I owe them this. It would be selfish to leave them when they’ve given me the best opportunities in life.”

“If they really love you for who you are, you should let them know how you really feel.”

“They need me.”

“What do you feel you need out of life?”

No one has ever asked me this. Most of my alternate life thoughts have been spent staring through a large window over a concrete jungle. I’d watch the morning fog as it clouded over any dream I’ve had. When the fog dissipates over the bridge, I’m greeted with endless paperwork and calculations. I take several deep breaths and answer as honestly as possible. What do I want?

“I want silence. I want a smaller living space, a decent-sized piece of land, and to be a part of a community. Maybe with my math wits and business skills, I can help with a nonprofit organization. Not the kind most run for a tax write-off. That’s another scheme in this elite world.” I feel the weight lifting off my chest and keep going. “I’ve never wanted a wife and kids in my current world, and I have no idea if I want that in my wishful world.”

I glance her way as she nods. “All of that is a want. I don’t need another life even if I want it. My sister and her husband were in love at first. Now, he’s gone and signing over his full parental rights to Kelsie.” She tenses at the last part, and I realized I let that personal information slip. “Sorry, I’m really opening up too much.”

“No.” She shakes her head. “I respect your honesty. You should remember that sometimes you need to put yourself first. It’s your life.” Her hand gives my thigh a gentle squeeze. “I feel terrible for your niece and nephew, but at least they’ll be surrounded by a family that loves them. That is one gift so many take for granted.”

If you say so.

“I didn’t scare you off?”

“Unless you say you need to wife me up, then we’d have a problem.” Her giggle is light and brings a smile to my face. “I do have one last question though.”

“Yes, you can move your hand up higher.” I give her a smug smirk. “Fine, one last question, then no more until I take you home and make you moan my name.”

“It’s hard to believe you’ve sworn off relationships when you grew up with such a loving family.”

“This isn’t a trick question, right? You won’t end our arrangement based on the past?”

“Ha, you have no idea why I’m the way I am. So no, I won’t judge.” She twists her pinkie ring and looks down. “We’ve all got our reasons.”

Even though I’ve been vulnerable tonight, there’s no need for me to push and make her feel this way too. That would be too much like a couple. And we are nothing like that.

“I was in love once,” I start, recalling the memory I’ve worked so hard at suppressing. “It was the year before graduating university.” I see short brown hair fill my vision and a sinister laugh rings through my ears, haunting me to this day. “Britney was her name. Our highs were high. We really only had highs since she painted this perfect vision of us taking on the world. We had come up with a plan to help build my family business and travel to third world countries helping build homes for orphans in our spare time.” I laugh at my naive self.

“I know it sounds over the top, but she was very into my family’s business. Or so it seemed. During my final semester, my family wasn’t too fond of her. She didn’t make the best impression when I brought her home for Christmas, and she knew she wasn’t on their good side. A month later, she told me she was pregnant.”

The car is dark but I see Lauren’s green eyes are soft, full of acceptance. I pull into the underground parking of my hotel and stare straight ahead.

“I was scared shitless even though I knew I had the funds to support the child. In that moment, I knew I had to do the right thing. I told my family, and much to their concern, I still bought a ring. A few days later, I saw her in the library with her friends and overheard her bragging about my money and family name. She was thrilled at how I was so easily suckered into her scheme and how I wouldn’t even know what hit me until it was too late. Her friends laughed, saying I was only good for my money anyway and how brilliant Britney was for planning all of this. I was a bookshelf aisle over and cleared my throat, feeling completely heartbroken. The look of horror on her face brought me satisfaction in a sick way. I flat out told her I would not pay for anything until a paternity test was done. By some fluke, she lost the baby a few days later after I refused to take her back and love her. Women after that seemed to only want me for my last name too. As you witnessed the evening that I met you.”