Page 35 of Never Till Now

“That was a very specific ring.” His hand is no longer moving on my back.

“It was the first thing that randomly came to mind. You know I’m not flashy, besides my taste in lingerie.” I rest my chin on the back of my hand that’s placed on his chest. “I don’t even want a boyfriend. Breathe.”

He licks his lips as his eyes narrow. As good as I’ve thought I’d been about reading him, I’m at a loss. His eyes hold me captive and for the life of me, I can’t avert them. His thumb and middle finger gently touch the sides of my knuckle on my ring finger. With delicate ease, his fingers brush up the sides of my finger and lightly pinch the sides of my nail before easing off. My stomach flips at the new sensation tingling within.

My mouth goes dry and I am hyperaware of what question is coming next. The question I know he deserves some type of answer to at this point. He’s given me his reasoning for everything. I swallow the lump in my throat as his eyes scream for my truth. His fingers lace with mine.

“Who did you wrong, Lauren McAllister?”

“Since birth, I’ve known no right.” Cast the millstone into the sea, because as the words leave my mouth, weight vacates my body. For the first time in my life, this outspoken declaration waves new emotion through my heavy heart. “Life was anything but promising. Attachment equals pain. I’ve seen enough pain in my life and career.”

“There’s good in your career as well, Lauren.” His eyes burn his statement in my mind as his fingers lift my chin.

“I see people on their deathbeds, or I witness people hearing about loved ones’ tragedies.” I shake my head and take an unsteady breath to rid this feeling. “The amount of power people have over each other is crippling. Heart wrenching. I never want to allow someone the power to completely eviscerate me.” I sit up to get my point across. “I’ve lived almost twenty-five years without an emotional attachment to anyone. Another twenty-five should be a breeze.”

Oh shit, I’ve said too much. My eyes stay wide for too long and I start to feel them burn. My chest tightens as my breaths become short. Where the hell did that truth bomb come from? I’ve been sober since the night I first tasted liquid sin with Rachel. Now, I’m drunk on a life-altering dick. I brace myself for Adam to tell me he’s the one to change me. That I should give him a chance to show me more. I start preparing my mind to end this arrangement and add him to my list of Past Peen.

He sits eye to eye with me and brings his hand to the back of my neck, gently curling his fingers around my hair. His lips don’t meet mine like I expect them to. I toy with my bottom lip hearing my heart race through my ears. His face softens as his free hand runs down my arm.

“Thank you for your honesty.”

I blink and tilt my head at his response.

“You are so fucking strong, Lauren.”

That’s new.

No “I’m so sorry” or “I can change that for you,” which past guys had felt challenged to do when I gave them the brief rundown that I don’t commit.

I nod and bite back tears as fear lights up my blood, waiting for him to ask further in-depth questions that will ruin everything.

Please don’t promise you can change me.

Please don’t promise there’s a happy ending for everyone.

Please don’t promise you’re here to stay.

“I have to be strong.” My voice cracks and looking at the man in front of me, I almost doubt my own truth. “I know what I don’t want.”

“I don’t know what you’ve been through, but if this arrangement is what helps get you through life, then I will pass it with you for however long we last.”

“Nothing more?”

“You’re aware of what I need from you too.” He smiles and cups my face with his hands. “I think we’ve passed the acquaintance phase though. Are you okay with a second friend?”

I click my tongue a few times and rest my hands on his chest, pushing him back down. “As long as you hand out more orgasms than questions, we should be fine.”

“He didn’t say sappy shit to send you running after you opened up to him?” Rachel gives me a side-eye.

“He didn’t take pity. He called me strong and then gave me another orgasm.” Part of me wanted to tell him more for the fact that he respected me enough to not ask.

Or he really didn’t care. But the way he spoke and held me said otherwise. God, I am too fucked up with my past to be able to read any emotional signs.

I shove a big bite of Chinese takeout in my mouth and continue to stare out my tall window. It’s late afternoon and Rachel and I had a very late start to our mornings. She was completely hungover with people she met the night before, and my morning was spent in another orgasmic state while eating my weight in homemade French toast.

I had woken up just after five this morning with a loud gasp. I saved my ass, saying I was having a nightmare and that I quickly forgot what it was about. Having said recurring nightmare wasn’t a lie. But that wasn’t his burden.

Rachel and I pass the afternoon catching up and swapping work stories.