Page 36 of Greed

“I’m sorry, Sir. How would you like me to assist you in getting the sausage out of your backside?” She had to bite her lip to keep a straight face.

“Don’t you have like instructions or something?”

“I’m sorry, Sir. They don’t train us for this particular issue.” She covered her mouth as more people overhearing her conversation began to laugh in the office. She typed in ‘a foreign object stuck in the rectum, possibly a sausage’ on her screen and really wanted to see the paramedics’ faces when they saw the call. Sadly, this was not her first unique item stuck in a rectum call. “Sir, you’re either going to need to make your way to a hospital, or you’re going to have to have an ambulance come and get you. So please, what is the address?”

A loud noise started up, and she gasped as she realized it was a vacuum. “Sir, what are you doing?”

“My wife said we should try the vacuum. Ahhh, shit, that hurts. It’s moving. Can you grab it? That’s it, grab that sausage, babe. Fuck, pull it harder.”

“Sir, please don’t tell me your wife has a vacuum up your rectum,” she asked, her voice cracking. She had to it the mute button as she couldn’t hold back the laughter any longer. She gripped her stomach as tears poured down her cheeks.

“It’s moving. Fuck, yes, yes it’s still coming, can you see it?” The man sighed loudly into her ear, and she wasn’t sure if it was from relief or pleasure. “Crisis averted, it’s out,” the man said. “Thank you, but I don’t need an ambulance.”

“I would recommend getting checked out to be safe, Sir.”

“I’m good now, just a little warm.”

“Have a good day, Sir.” She hung up the phone and had to grip the edge of her desk as she released the laughs she had struggled to keep in check. Yes, it was going to be one of those days.

She hadn’t been wrong. By the time work was done, she was officially worried about humanity and its sanity as a whole. We are all in a lot of trouble if the people that called in were any indication of who was going to be voting and running the country in the future. She picked up her phone to text Penny and tell her about the sausage guy, but her fingers stilled as she stared at the fifty unread message bubble.

Instead, she flicked off the computer just as her cell dinged with a text.

Why hello there beautiful? I was wondering about that coffee?

She stared at the text and the unknown name and was drawing a blank on who this could be. She didn’t bother to answer it, figuring it was most likely a scammer or wrong number. Her phone dinged again, and groaning, she opened the message.

Please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me already? How many guys do you have saving you from out-of-control vehicles?

Her heart pounded a little faster as recognition set in. Michael. A smile slowly spread across her face. When she hadn’t heard from him, she’d assumed she’d scared him off.

I try only to need rescuing once a month. It takes too much to remember any more shining white knight’s names than twelve in a year.

LOL! So about that coffee, would you be interested?

She chewed her lip. She’d just broken up with James after basically being together with him for nine years. Off and on, but still. On the other hand, she needed to get out there. Besides, how many times did someone like this man walk into a girl’s life?

Okay, I can do coffee, when and where?

How about right now? I happen to be in the area for work and could meet you at Café Salvation, around the corner from your work.

She’d only been there once because the prices were out of this world, but she could splurge his one time.

Okay, I’m still in my work clothes, though.

As long as they are not sopping wet again, I’m in. Although you looked very delectable in that wet T-shirt contest look you had going on. It was very distracting.

Heat rose up her neck, and she took a deep breath, the smile once more breaking out across her face.

Sorry, that was a one-time deal.

Too bad, I was really hoping for an encore performance at some point.

LOL!

I’m sorry that was probably too forward. Did I scare you off?

Nope, I’ll see you in five.