Page 24 of Protective Phlox

Helena was talking and smiling at me, but I couldn’t seem to control the shaking in my hands as the anxiety train made up all sorts of horrific ideas. Her voice had become background noise to the ringing in my head as I panted like I’d just completed my FBI physical.

Even as we drove along the beach with the golden sand and bright blue water, all I could picture was Cutter injured or Nathan deciding this was a great time to invite his princess over to meet his son. He could take him and leave, and I’d never see him again.

“Breathe, dear. He’s going to be alright.” Helena gripped my hand on my leg, and I looked at her, horrified.

“I’m so sorry. I’m….”

“You look like you’re on the verge of a panic attack. It’s understandable, but you need to be able to live your life, and that means leaving him alone sometimes.”

“I’m used to taking him to school and dropping him off, but this feels different. He doesn’t know Nathan yet, and Nathan has hardly spoken to me, so it’s not like I’ve been able to tell him all of Cutter’s quirks, likes, and dislikes. But what if he decides to cut me out? What if he decides to get payback by leaving while I’m out, and I never see my son again?” Each shaking breath was excruciating now that the words were out in the open. In my head, they were just words, but what if I manifested them?

Helena squeezed my hand tighter and touched my chin, making me look at her. I’d been holding my emotions together with a thread and acting like everything was normal for Cutter’s sake, but they were bubbling to the surface now.

“Nate won’t do that to you. Now, breathe.” I followed her lead.

“How can you be so sure? He may not hate me, but whatever he feels is close enough to hate.” She broke out in a laugh that shocked me enough to push the runaway fears aside. “What did I say?”

“Savannah, oh Savannah, my sweetheart. Nate doesn’t hate you. He’s madly in love with you, and you hurt him.”

“Love? No, I think you have that mistaken. Trust me, there may be…chemistry between us, but it’s loathing that I see in his eyes.”

“Do you think I don’t know my son?”

My face flushed hot with embarrassment. “No, no, not at all, it’s just….” Helena held up her finger, and much like Nathan had, I stopped what I was about to say.

“Nate has always been a sensitive child when it comes to big emotions. He feels them, but he can’t express them and always ends up doing the opposite of what he should. I blame his father,” she said, cupping my cheek. “Don’t you see? He’s been yearning for you ever since you two went your separate ways. To him, you moved on, had his child, and didn’t trust him enough to tell him. He’s hurting. He doesn’t hate you. In fact, I’ve never seen my son with so much love in his soul, and I have you and Cutter to thank for pulling him off the dark path he was traveling.”

Her words had a stronger effect than if she’d smacked me. I blinked as I stared at her, not sure what to say.

“But…I don’t understand. Nathan seems to be purposely pushing me away or locking me out. He refuses to talk and buys me this ring that he knows would be the complete opposite of what I like.” I held up my hand to show off the ring that felt like it was ten pounds on my finger.

Helena smiled. “Even in your limited time with Nate, have you known my son not to push your buttons? I’m sure he must have done it before now.”

“Now that you mention it, yes, he was infuriating.”

Helena took my hand in both of hers. “Exactly.”

A light went off as she smiled at me. “Oh my god, Nathan’s like one of the boys on a schoolyard poking the girl he likes with a stick.”

Helena gave me a little smile. “Now you’re starting to understand. Baiting you gets a reaction, and a reaction to him means that you care. So, when you show no emotion or are nonchalant, callus, or cool, he will jump to all sorts of conclusions. Add in all the other emotions he doesn’t know how to deal with, and you have a recipe for what you’re seeing.” She looked out the window and took a deep breath.

“You have to understand that caring for someone is terrifying for Nate. Like I said, I blame his father. That man has done nothing but push him, put him down, take things away, and…well, let’s just say that he hasn’t been a great role model. It doesn’t matter what I say or how often I tell Dimitri that it will backfire. He refuses to stop. I am not blameless because I overcompensated. I could see the little worms of doubt seeping into him about love, people, and this world. You must see things in Cutter that no one else does so you understand. Trust me when I tell you he is not taking off and taking Cutter with him. He’ll never cut you out. He’s hurt that he was cut out, but it comes from a genuine place, just very poorly executed.”

She smiled, and I could finally draw a deep breath. “Thank you for talking me down. I thought I was going to jump out of the moving truck.”

Helena smiled. “Trust me, once you have your fourth, the fear of them burning the house down is totally gone. In fact, you hand them the matches,” she teased, and I laughed. It felt good.

I didn’t come down to the luxurious shopping district on Rodeo Drive the last time I was here, and I took in the eloquent architecture along the palm-dotted street. Our precession of vehicles didn’t even draw a glance among the lineup of sports cars.

Our guard pulled into a spot in front of a shop, and the other vehicles quickly parked on either side. I laid my hand on the door, but Helena stopped me.

“Don’t get out until the guards tell you it’s clear.”

“Is this normal?”

“Yes. There will be many new things that you’ll need to learn in this life. Some, I’m sure you will love, others you’ll loathe. There will also be others that you will want to stop, but you will need to learn to turn a blind eye. We live in a world that runs parallel to everyone else but is never truly part of it.”

A guard that I recognized from the club years ago knocked on the window. Following Helena’s lead, I slipped out and was immediately surrounded by so many men in black suits that I could’ve been in the movies. This was suffocating. You couldn’t see anything.