Page 48 of Vexatious Queen

“No, it’s not,” he agreed.

“And the fact that I can change my plans angers you?”

Theo shook his head.

“I’m not angry…okay, I’m a little angry, but not at you, at myself.”

I released his hands, and he took the opportunity to walk around me and resume his pacing. I let him. He needed to get this out in his own way.

“I’m barely holding myself together,” he said, turning to face me, hands on his hips.

“I don’t want to go. There, I said it. I want Harvard, but I don’t want to leave everyone. I was considering it before…and then Lawrence happened.”

He held his hand out toward the closed door.

“How do I leave my father? He’s…not okay. He can hardly get up and out of bed in the morning. I’m running the day-to-day at the office and hiding how bad things are. Blake has one foot on firm ground and the other ready to fall off a cliff. Ren is still healing, and even though I know she will be fine with me heading across the country…I don’t want to leave her either. I was already so close to backing out, but knowing I had you there…”

Theo stopped, and the look in his eyes nearly crushed me.

“You’re my rock, the one I lean on when the noise gets too loud. And now, you’re not going to be there.”

He ran a hand through his hair, and for the first time since Ella’s death, I saw his mask fall. The pain he carried underneath broke my heart.

Walking over, I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a hug. I didn’t say anything, I just waited for him to break.

And he did.

Theo’s body shook as he cried, the pain palpable as he finally let himself feel. I’d given him space to deal with his mother’s death. Focusing on the things he could control, like running the office and taking care of his father and Blake, had been what he needed at the time. But I had known it couldn’t last.

Theo clung to me, his fists gripping my shirt as he released everything he had bottled up inside of him.

“You’ve been so strong for everyone,” I said, holding him tight and keeping him from crumbling to the floor. “You can’t carry everything, Theo. You can’t take on everyone’s suffering.”

He squeezed me, and his body jerked as the sobs overtook him.

When the tears subsided, and Theo was close to collapse, I took his hand in and walked him over to the bed. We sat down side-by-side, and I traced his profile, hating that he looked so beaten down. Bringing his knuckles to my lips, I kissed each one repeatedly until he looked at me. His beautiful green eyes were filled with worry.

“What am I going to do,” Theo asked softly.

“You won’t want to hear this, but I think you should find a new way forward.”

“So, you don’t think I should go either?”

I shook my head.

“I’m not saying this because I don’t want you to go. I don’t, but that’s not why. You’re right, there are many new factors and a lot of stress. Leaving for a few weeks is one thing, leaving for so long…that’s another.”

“So, what are you suggesting?”

“Look, Theo…going to Harvard has always been your dream, and if it’s still what you want, then I’ll support you, always. But you have other options. You can take a gap year. Talk to the dean of admissions and explain your situation. I’m sure he will let you push your start date. Or ask if you can do the first year remote, or…”

I sucked in a deep breath before I broached this idea.

“Maybe look at a different school, one closer to home. There are many possibilities, that’s all I’m saying.”

Theo squeezed my hand.

“What would I do without you? I’ve never been so caught up in my head before, and I just couldn’t find my way out.”