Page 207 of Toxic Kiss

“No. Don’t do that. Don’t put yourself in the same box as her.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’re here admitting it.” Haven slowly stands, her voice trembling, but it doesn’t break. “Because you’re taking responsibility.”

“That doesn’t bring him back. It doesn’t make what I did to you right.”

“No,” she says softly. “It doesn’t.”

The quiet between us aches in my chest. My heart hurts just like the rest of my body. The throbbing is sweet agony for all I’ve done.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her, and this time it isn’t one apology. It’s all of them. “For every horrible word. For every bruise I left where nobody could see. For every time I laughed and watched something inside you shut down. For every ounce of guilt I was too cowardly to face until now. I’m so fucking sorry, Haven.”

Her tears flow freely now, but she still somehow seems stronger than I’ll ever be.

Haven looks down at her hands.

“Patrick really said all that?”

“Yeah.”

A sad little smile touches her mouth and then vanishes.

“That sounds like him. The him that I grew up with.”

“It does.”

It’s agonizing watching Haven, and I have to turn away.

“I miss him every day,” I say.

“I know. So do I.”

She does know, she always has.

For once, I don’t look away from what I am. A coward. A bully. A grieving asshole who loved too violently and too late.

But Haven is still here with me, still listening.

“I can’t change what I did. You told me to tell you everything, and I meant it when I said that I want you to marry me. But you needed to hear the truth. Patrick’s death is on me. And I’m done putting my guilt where it doesn’t belong.”

Haven’s eyes hold mine as she steps up beside me and lays her hand on mine.

“I want to be angry with you. I want to hate you…but I can’t, and I think we’ve done enough of that. I genuinely think that after everything, if Patrick were still here, he wouldn’t want us at each other’s throats. I need a few minutes alone. I’m going for a walk.”

I grab her wrist before she can turn away as panic burns up my throat. She doesn’t say anything, and it takes all my strength to release her and watch her walk down the steps to the sandy path that runs beside the water. I keep my eyes on her until she disappears, and then I stumble over to the chair and collapse.

Pain sears through my body as years of pent-up emotions tear free. I hold out my hands, and they shake uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to the wind.

chapter

fifty-three

“I carry the version of me who kept choosing wrong like a ghost I can’t outrun.” – Haven

HAVEN