Page 237 of Toxic Kiss

He runs a hand through his hair and takes another sip.

“I’ve thought about those days so many times, and I wonder if your mother was purposely trying to push me away. I don’t know. All I know is that Anita was uncomplicated, and at the time, I needed that. She wanted to be popular and for her son to be famous. She was fun, flamboyant, and beautiful, and she laughed at my stupid jokes. You may think that’s not enough, but for the first time in a very long time, I felt human and needed. She looked at me the way your mother had when we first started dating. Anita joined me on a few weekend trips, and that was when she told me she was going through a messy divorce. We bonded over the death of our marriages.”

I wipe away a stray tear that rolls down my cheek.

“As time has gone on, I’ve stopped seeing the door your mother gave me as a gift. Instead, I’m filled with regret and guilt. I wish we’d spent the time we had left together. Running from the pain and our problems wasn’t the answer, but hindsight is always twenty-twenty. For sixteen years, your mother was my partner. She gave me a beautiful daughter, and…it doesn’t matter that she wanted for nothing with the best nurses and doctors, and twenty-four-hour home care. I thought it was enough, I realize now it was the minimum.”

Dad clears his throat and slowly strides back to the leather chair and sits down.

“I have no excuse. I was weak. I simply couldn’t handle your mother dying.”

“Did you not realize that Anita was using you?”

He chuckles, but not in a humorous way. I tilt my head and stare at him, trying to decipher what he’s thinking.

“Yes. Of course, I did. I’ve always known.”

“And you still married her? I don’t get it. Why marry someone like that?”

“It’s not something I can easily explain, Haven. I wish I could. Anita was what I needed at the time. No deep emotional connection, the same passion for music, a vested interest in her son, who was and is extremely talented. Venomous put this label on a whole other level. She enjoyed travel, and…she was a woman in your life. I didn’t think I could raise a daughter on my own. You were twelve and at an important age in any child’s life. I was away a lot and didn't know how to help you with things like buying your first bra. I was out of my depth.”

I sigh and sit back to think.

“Do you have any idea how cruel she was to me? She constantly put me down, called me names, and blamed me for all of Cyrus’ bullshit. Do you know that I contemplated running away from home more than once? I used to sit on my bedroom floor and plan it,” I add, my voice quieter now. “I doubted that anyone would come looking for me. I cried night after night, wishing that Mom was still alive because I felt like I was trapped in my own version of the Cinderella story.”

Dad’s eyes are misted over with unshed tears as he shakes his head.

“No,” he says firmly. “I’m ashamed to say that I didn’t realize what was happening. I didn’t believe Anita’s claims of you taking Cyrus down a dark path which is why I never punished you. Anita has always been dramatic when she wants something and I thought that she was just wanted more of my attention. The blatant cruelty…I did not know.”

“How could you not know? Not see anything?”

“I was too wrapped up in work and growing the business. It was a really complicated and busy time. We were expanding and looking to add more investors and marketing partners. We doubled our artist list, including Cyrus. It’s not an excuse for putting work before you, but this is the truth. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you. I did, I do.”

He leans forward, putting his arms on his knees.

“Have you ever been so focused on a task that it blinds you to everything else?”

“Yes, a little.”

“That’s what it was like for me. I worked hard to create a legacy that would be yours someday. I’ve always buried myself in my work. I had so many grand ideas, and then you left for New York. It was a wake-up call. I knew then that something was wrong. You’d always wanted to work with me at the company. But you refused to talk about it. Anita said you were being emotional and had hurt Cyrus. Then Cyrus landed in rehab. I’m very sorry for not being there for you the way I should have been.”

“Yes, you should’ve. It bordered on neglect. Maybe not in the sense of food, clothes, or a roof over my head, but emotionally…you weren’t there for me. It didn’t seem to matter what I did. Your focus was always on someone else. Most of the time, it was Cyrus.”

I can’t sit still anymore. Standing, I move over to the window. Palm trees, lining the busy street below, sway in the breeze. This is far more complicated than I originally thought. My chest is tight, and my head is a mess. My mother knew about the affair and was okay with it. But it doesn’t change the betrayal I feel.

“This isn’t what I came here to talk about, but I need to say it.” Crossing my arms, I give my father the absolute truth, no holding back. “When I left here, when I went to New York…I hated you.” His face falls, and my heart beats harder. “I didn’t care if I ever saw you, Anita, or Cyrus ever again. When mom died, I didn’t just lose a mother…I lost my father, too. Then my best friend died, and I gave my virginity to Cyrus before he crushed my heart. This city, that house, it wasn’t a home, and I wanted to get as far away as I could.”

Dad slowly stands as a tear rolls down my cheek. I wipe it away.

“You wanted to know why I left and avoided you for the first two years…now you do. I partied way too hard, met new people, saw a therapist for awhile and finally decided that it took way too much energy to hate you. Then you flew out to see me, and we had a great week together. We’ve slowly rebuilt our relationship, but that doesn’t mean that old scar tissue isn’t there. I know we can’t go back in time. I know you can’t wave a wand and magically fix what happened. But I need you to know that you were my hero and you made me feel small, insignificant, and unloved for years after Mom’s death. It felt like you chose another family over me. That you wanted Anita and Cyrus more. That I meant nothing.” I tap over my heart. “You hurt me. You really hurt me.”

Dad walks toward me and pulls me into a hug as tears stream down his face. I’ve never seen him cry.

“I’m so sorry. I’m so, so deeply sorry. I never meant for you to feel like that. I never meant to hurt you. I should’ve seen that you were in pain and needed me. I hate that you didn’t think you could tell me what was going on. I will never forgive myself for that.”

We stand there holding one another, and a wave of peace settles in my chest. Our foundation may still be cracked, but the gaping hole has been filled.

Stepping back, I look up at him and wipe my eyes.