Page 43 of Toxic Kiss

I don’t know either. I just do.

“Fine.”

He walks away, and Haven smiles wide, giving him a hug. It’s rare for her to join us, but it doesn’t take long for the two of them to slip into their old friendship. They chase each other in and out of the water, splashing around before dancing barefoot in the sand.

Jealousy burns in my gut as groups of guys stare at Haven in her cutoff shorts. I want to beat the shit out of every last one of them.

I was the asshole in the shadows, too captivated to join in, too bitter to admit I was obsessed with the girl I pretended to hate. Too in my head. Too me.

An old bitterness is creeping in and sitting like acid in my stomach.

“Smile, Cyrus,” Haven suddenly says, lifting her phone. Instinct and habit have me turning cold.

“Fuck off, I don’t want to be part of your stupid videos.”

Haven smiles sweetly, as if the comment doesn’t bother her at all. Similar to when I poked at her earlier. It pissed me off then, and it annoys the fuck out of me now.

She turns the camera on herself.

“See what I have to work with, ladies? But who doesn’t like a brooding bad boy? Am I right?”

She points the phone in my direction again.

“You always were a fucking ray of sunshine,” she says, and then stops recording.

The conversation continues to hum around me, and eventually my stomach coaxes me to the table. Picking up the chopsticks, I pinch the noodles in my container, and that is when I feel it. My hand starts to shake.

Subtle, but there. Just enough that using the wooden utensils suddenly feels as difficult as treading water in a hurricane. I focus hard, willing it to stop, but it doesn’t. Fuck.

Eren notices from beside me. He sets down his drink and nods toward my hand.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” I say quickly, too quickly. “Just tired.”

But really, I’m worried. I can’t bring myself to tell the guys, but the doctors think they know what’s wrong with me. I don’t believe them, but I’m also not sure if I want to know what is causing this. All the possible scenarios scare the shit out of me. So, I ignore them. The migraines, dizziness, shakes, the deep bone ache, and even the random colors that float around taunting me.

Eren doesn’t buy my response. I can see it in his eyes, but he lets it go.

I feel Haven’s stare on me and turn back to her. Those beautiful green eyes are concerned. Her gaze flicks to my fingers, then up to my face. She doesn’t say anything, just watches, and I know she is cataloging all my tics. The room quiets in my mind.

Somewhere in the background, Ledger and Ash are debating if Vex can survive a week without his hair gel. Haven and I continue our silent showdown. She’s daring me to lie to her. So, I say nothing.

“I could rock natural,” Vex argues.

“You tried that once,” Ash deadpans. “You looked like an electrocuted porcupine.”

“That was a phase. It was supposed to look like that,” Vex grumbles. “What the fuck is this pick on Vex night?”

“If he does it again, we’re documenting it for science,” Eren says, grinning.

Vex flips them both off with a smirk.

The moment Haven breaks eye contact, I make my escape to the bedroom I’ve chosen for the night. The ache in my body is getting worse. I can’t have this shit happening on stage.

I stare inside at the array of drugs in my bag that I keep hidden from everyone. I’ve been to more than one doctor. The first one said that I have depression and that migraines are just a side effect. A side effect of what? He said it with a cartoon smile and a handshake. He might as well have said, ‘Suck it up, be a man, and don’t let the door hit you on the way out.’

The latest doctor told me I have a mental illness. Schizophrenia, to be precise. He said that I’m showing early signs. I didn’t know anything about the disease other than what I’ve seen in movies, and that scared the fucking shit out of me.