Page 94 of Toxic Kiss

Every day gets harder to face.

I’m so sorry that I am this way.

You give your all and do it with grace.

I give you scars that you can’t erase.

I strum the final notes, the pain in my chest clenching tight like a fist as I slowly open my eyes.

The guys are staring at me, pens and notepads in hand. No one moves. I blink, coming back to where we are.

“Fuck, man, that’s beautiful,” Eren says.

“I love the vibe of it slowed down, it’s haunting,” Ledger adds, and everyone nods.

“I got most of that down,” Ash pipes in.

“Looks like having Haven around is affecting your mojo,” Vex teases, but he’s not wrong.

“Don’t worry, I remember all the lyrics. Give me a minute. I need a break.”

My legs feel as heavy as my heart when I stand. Each stride is harder than the next, as if I’m trudging through mud and not a beautiful penthouse.

I grab a bottle of water on my way out and head aimlessly…away. It doesn’t matter where, as long as it is not near anyone else for a few minutes.

Wandering into one of the rooms, I walk over to the window and watch the cars far below. They’re so small that all I can really see are the lights moving like ants. I made the mistake of reading another journal entry earlier today, and I can’t get it out of my head.

Haven’s Journal Entry – Age 18

To Whoever The Fuck Is Listening

Why? That’s the only word I can muster. That single fucking word keeps swirling around, but no answer is coming. Patrick is dead.

Even as tears drip off my chin and onto this page, there is no relief from the suffocating pain that is as sharp as a blade right through my heart. Breathing is difficult, getting up is impossible, and just thinking about Patrick brings tears that don’t want to stop.

For years, we were so close that he felt like the brother I never had. We finished each other’s sentences. Laughed at the same stupid jokes. Watched the same movies. He taught me to skateboard, and together we wrote songs that made me smile.

We had drifted so far apart. It felt like I’d been on an ice floe. I could still see him standing on the shore, but he grew smaller with each passing minute.

This is all so unfair. He is here one minute and gone the next. Why? Why did you take Patrick from me, too?

Go ahead and call me selfish, but I want to yell at him. Why did you get behind the wheel of that car? Why were you driving so fast? I want to know why…just why.

My biggest fear is finding out that the answer is because of me. I did this. I caused him to wreck his car. He said he was going to fix things between us when I took off from his party. I’m filled with guilt that clouds the sadness to the point I can’t draw a breath.

My heart hurts so badly, and the only other person I can blame, besides myself, is Cyrus. When he moved here, everything changed. I lived in this perfect ecosystem, but when he arrived, he threw off the balance.

Maybe if he’d never come here, moved in, and stolen my best friend…then maybe things would be different. Maybe that night wouldn’t have happened. Maybe…maybe, maybe, maybe. That’s all I’ll ever have now. Tears, regrets, and what ifs that will never be answered.

Patrick, if you can read this. If you can see me. I’m angry at you for leaving me here on this fucking floating rock, but I love you with my whole heart. You’re still my best friend, and the only person I’ve ever trusted completely. I’m sorry.

I hope that wherever you are, you’re writing the best songs.

Miss you like my heart has stopped beating.

Until we meet again. XOXO 4Ever

— H