Page 38 of Wedding or Not

He parks in his normal spot, shifts into park, and unbuckles his seat belt before he turns to look at me.

I look back.

“What if…?” Wes begins and trails off before I have a clue what he’s trying to say.

I should say something next, but I can’t make my voice work. So I’m left with nothing but gazing at him with a mingling of terror and excitement churning inside me.

“We kissed,” Wes goes on. Bluntly. Not meeting my eyes. Like he’s forcing himself to get the words said.

“I know.”

“We’ve got… some sort of chemistry. You agree, right?”

“Right.” My chest relaxes in relief that we’re finally addressing the huge reality that’s been sucking up all the air between us. “I agree.”

“But it seems like… It seems to me like The Plan is going to complicate… anything else. Lines will get blurred, and we’ll have trouble figuring out what’s really going on between us.”

“Oh. Yes.” I swallow hard. “You’re right. So you… so you don’t want to do The Plan after all?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. We need to follow through with The Plan now that people are interested again. So we should put this… this chemistry between us…” He gestures between our bodies. “We should put it on hold until after The Plan is complete. That way nothing gets confusing.”

“Oh. Yes.” I said that before. The same words in exactly the same way. But I can’t make myself voice different words. All the churning excitement inside me is freezing.

“Don’t you think that would be smarter? It’s already making things tense between us. We were getting along great until we kissed, and now… Now there’s this awkward tension that’s really hard to deal with.”

“It is.” The truth hits me with a sinking note as I suddenly realize he’s right. Of course he’s right. It’s not The Plan that’s the problem. It’s this inexplicable chemistry between us.

But it never existed before, so there must be some way of containing it in a small compartment that won’t keep causing this kind of trouble.

“You’re right,” I go on. “The drive home felt… terrible.”

“Yes, it did. So let’s not let do that again. We’re adults, and chemistry doesn’t have to be acted on. So let’s make a choice to put it aside until after The Plan is over. Then we can… we can figure out what’s next.”

The relief I’m flooded with might be heavy, but it’s also needed. We can’t go on like these past two hours. It’s too hard. Too uncomfortable. Too unknowable. Too scary.

Putting whatever exists between us aside temporarily might not be easy, but it’s also freeing.

I don’t have to figure everything out yet.

“That sounds like a good idea. I think that’s what we should do.”

“Okay. Good. Blossom Park is the most important thing, so let’s do what we need to do for that first. Then the rest… we’ll figure out later.”

There’s a slight edge to his voice I don’t like, but it could mean anything. “I agree,” I manage to say.

He nods. Swallows visibly. Then extends his hand to me. “So we have a deal? No more kissing until The Plan is done?”

“We have a deal.” I shake his hand. “No more kissing.”

The next week is easier.

I felt the same way when I was supposed to be the star of one of our high school plays. I was thrilled and terrified at the same time leading up to it. Then a few days before opening night, I came down with a bad case of mono.

There was no way I could perform, so the understudy had to take over.

It was a huge disappointment and a huge relief at the same time, but I made myself focus on the relief.

The big, scary thing was taken off my plate.