Page 101 of A Perfect Disaster

“No,” I admit. “I suppose it was a thousand times worse. I know full well that I’ve screwed up big time.”

But realizing my mistake doesn’t erase from my mind the look on Maika’s face when she hung up the phone in the crew mess hall. It doesn’t erase the tremor in her voice. Nor does it erase the exact moment she set the record straight with me.

“Damn it, I’ve stumbled over the same stone again.”

“Well, you have to admit that’s been a trait of yours your whole life.”

I give him a jab in the ribs.

“You’re not helping me one bit, seriously.”

We start walking along the cobblestones again. My lemon ice cream has decided to melt away, and a sticky, liquid trail runs down my finger. I wipe it off reluctantly with a crumpled paper napkin.

“I’ve spent the last few years seething and blaming her for what happened on our last contract together. Hating her for not standing up for me.”

Gonzalo listens to me without interrupting, matching his stride to mine.

“And now that I know what’s behind it all, I understand why she did it. She was terrified of being thrown out onto the street, of not having a penny for the nursing home, of letting down the only person she has left in this world. And now…”

“Now she feels exactly the same way: that you’ve stripped her of the right to make decisions about her own life,” Gonzalo concludes.

I nod silently. The gaping hole in my chest expands another foot.

“Yes. Exactly that.”

We slump onto a stone bench in the shade of some centuries-old trees, near the church square. Gonzalo tosses the empty ice cream cone into a trash can and shakes his hands.

“I’m in love with her,” I blurt out without further ado. “I love her madly, Gonzalo. Much more than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone.”

This time, thank goodness, my friend keeps his jokes to himself.

“I know.”

“I don’t even know when things got out of hand.”

“Well, I do,” he smiles sweetly. “It got out of hand the day she managed to make you laugh out loud when you were trying with all your might to hate her. Or maybe even before that. When she showed you that you could run an entertainment department in absolute chaos and still have the passengers adore her.”

I swallow, feeling the sun’s warmth on my arms.

“I’m scared, Gonzalo.”

“Of loving her?”

“Of caring more about her than my job on land, than my five-year plans, and than everything I had written down in my goal journal.”

Gonzalo stands very still beside me, looking at me from the side.

“And do you really care more about her?”

Now that I have the damn management contract in my hand. Now that I have the office waiting for me. Now that I have everything I ever dreamed of… I know for sure that I’d give up the whole office and my future in exchange for Maika looking at me again with that playful twinkle in her eyes and calling me “officer.”

“Yes,” I reply, with absolute certainty. “She matters to me so much more. I don’t care about anything else if she’s not here.”

Gonzalo lets out a whistle, and I close my eyes.

“How ironic, right? Spending my life searching for solid ground only to discover that my only solid ground was a beautiful woman, with beautiful eyes and a killer walk.”

“There’s nothing ironic about it,” he says, giving me a playful shove. “And coming from you, who looked like a shipping company robot, it’s a historic scientific breakthrough.”