Page 103 of A Perfect Disaster

“For being my mother, my refuge, and my whole world,” I continue, my eyes brimming with tears. “For working until your back ached every day. For pretending you weren’t tired when I needed you to take me to school. For selling your best earrings to pay for that language course for me. Yes, I know,” I add as I see her eyes widen in surprise. “I found out years ago.”

“They were hideous,” she tries to justify herself.

“They were beautiful,” I insist.

“They made my ears look big.”

A tearful laugh escapes me.

“But even so, you did it, and I never felt like a burden to you. Because you taught me that you can have strength without losing your tenderness. And you raised me with so much love that, even though the world often seemed cruel to me, I always knew there was a place where someone was waiting for me with open arms.”

My grandmother blinks several times, moved.

“Don’t make me cry, or my face will end up looking like a raisin.”

“Well, go ahead and cry. I’ve been crying for days and I still look gorgeous,” I joke.

“You’ve always been such a drama queen.”

“And you’ve always been so stubborn.”

“You inherited that, too.”

We laugh through our tears. I rest my forehead on her hands and close my eyes for a moment, breathing in her familiar scent.

“I was so afraid of letting you down,” I confess. “That time, when I started on the cruise ship… when that thing with Helen happened… I didn’t stand up for myself like I should have because I thought that if they opened a disciplinary case against me or fired me from the company, I wouldn’t be able to pay for this. I wouldn’t be able to take care of you the way you deserve. And I hated myself for it.”

She strokes my head gently, with that infinite tenderness that has always saved me.

“My girl, you were young and you carried the whole world in a suitcase that was far too small.”

“That doesn’t justify hurting her,” I reply.

“No. But it explains why you also hurt yourself.”

I close my eyes tightly.

“It was she who paid for the first treatment through the shipping company’s private insurance.”

“I know.”

I jerk my head up.

“What do you mean, you already know?”

My grandmother smiles innocently.

“We old ladies know these things, Maika. The director of the nursing home told me. And she also told me you didn’t take it very well.”

“Because she did it behind my back, and decided for me. It made me feel… small. It wasn’t just about the money,” I explain, after getting up and going to the window to look outside. “It was my dignity. My decision. My life. Helen can’t just barge in there as if I were one of her emergency protocols on the ship.”

“Maybe she did it because she loves you, don’t you think?”

The phrase strikes me like a bolt of lightning. The nursing home’s garden is quiet: two residents are sunbathing with their eyes closed, a nurse is patiently pushing a wheelchair, and a gray cat is lying down as if it were the true owner of the place.

I stand still. The room seems to change suddenly, even though everything remains the same: the scent of lavender, the light streaming through the window, my grandmother in her armchair. But something inside me clicks into place. Helen didn’t want to humiliate me. She just wanted to save me, to protect my grandmother because she knows she’s my whole world.

“Oh, God,” I murmur. “What an idiot I’ve been!”