Page 55 of A Perfect Disaster

“What a predicament, Helen…”

I rub my forehead wearily.

“After that, the inspectors left us alone in the office and we argued a lot. I said some horrible things to her, Gonzalo…” I confess.

“Define ‘horrible.’”

“I reminded her, rather cruelly, of what happened when we met on the previous cruise and…”

Gonzalo closes his eyes for a moment, shaking his head.

“Helen…”

“I know, don’t tell me.”

“No, I don’t think you do. Put yourself in Maika’s shoes for a moment.”

I jump up from the sofa because the walls are closing in on me, and I pace nervously around the small room.

“I don’t need you to lecture me. I’m already beating myself up enough.”

“It’s not a lecture. I’m just trying to help you see things clearly.”

“I’m tired, Gonzalo. Tired of the fact that every time I’m about to achieve stability, something unexpected happens, she shows up, reopens the past, and everything starts to crumble again.”

“Maika has never liked offices on land,” he replies, looking at me. “She’s always told me she’s happy sailing, feeling the sea.”

“Well, everyone could use an executive position with a steady salary and weekends off,” I retort bitterly.

“I’m not saying she couldn’t. But Maika knows full well how many years you’ve been burning yourself out to get that position, so I doubt she’d try to step on you just because headquarters threw her into the mix.”

“That’s not the problem, Gonzalo,” I admit. “The problem is that she’s perfect for the job. And the idea of seeing her win again terrifies me.”

Gonzalo holds my gaze for a few seconds.

“You know as well as I do that Maika never meant to hurt you back then,” he reminds me. “You just needed to pin the blame on someone, and you chose the worst possible person. Because you didn’t just lose the promotion, Helen. And now you’re doing exactly the same thing, thinking only of yourself.”

I freeze, as if he’d slapped me. Maybe he did, just using the right words.

“That’s unfair.”

“Maybe. But it’s the truth of what happened on that ship.”

“I’m not just thinking about myself,” I protest.

Gonzalo stands up and walks over to where I’m standing, closing the small distance between us.

“Then tell me what was the first thing you felt when you saw Maika come on board an hour ago.”

I open my mouth to retort, but close it again. Because it wasn’t anger I felt when I saw her appear safe. It was relief. A wild, fierce relief, so intense it almost split my ribs in two.

“That’s what I thought,” he says, reading my silence perfectly. “Now tell me what was the first thing you let her see in you.”

The coffee from the machine has gone completely cold in my hands.

“Reproaches and more reproaches,” I whisper.

“There you have it,” Gonzalo concludes.