Page 59 of A Perfect Disaster

“Well, living it on board is torture.”

“The important things aren’t usually easy, honey.”

I sigh deeply.

“Today we were told that we’re both being considered for the same senior management position at the shipping company, because they want to do some kind of merger, and now it turns out I have to compete with her. And I don’t like that one bit.”

My grandmother is silent for a few seconds.

“Because you might lose it?” she asks.

“No. Because she might lose it,” I reply before I even think about it. “It’s just that Helen has been fighting for that promotion for a long time. A very long time. I know what it means to her.”

“I see…”

I stare at my hands. I can still feel the exhaustion in my fingers.

“The last contract we sailed together…” I continue, but the words get stuck in my throat. “There were several serious problems on board. I was new to the team, I was scared, and when things got complicated, I didn’t support her as I should have. I didn’t lie about her or try to harm her, but I stayed silent when I should have stepped up and defended her safety management.”

The water beats against the hull of the ship in a hypnotic rhythm, many meters below.

“And you’ve blamed yourself all this time.”

“Yes. But not as much as she blamed me.”

“And why didn’t you take that step?” my grandmother wants to know. “The one to tell what really happened.”

I press the phone against my ear.

“Because I was terrified they’d fire me. And if I lost this job, I wouldn’t be able to keep paying the monthly fees for your nursing home.”

That statement carries a responsibility I took upon myself. That was the real reason I kept quiet. Out of fear of losing my income, my stability, and my ability to support the place where my grandmother receives the care she needs. Out of terror that a bad decision would affect her, that the greatest love of my life would pay the price for my courage.

“My girl…” my grandmother whispers, visibly moved.

“Don’t tell me I didn’t have to worry about that.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you that. I understand your reasons, sweetheart.”

“You needed that place, the daily therapies. And I… I couldn’t let you down.”

“You’ve never let me down, Maika.”

“Not you, but Helen.”

“Maybe,” she admits honestly. And I can already picture her smiling. “But it’s one thing to make a mistake out of fear, and quite another to become a bad person forever. You were young, you were scared, and you were carrying more responsibility than you should have.”

“That doesn’t erase what happened.”

“No. But maybe it explains why it happened. And explanations, sometimes, are the first step toward healing.”

I lean against the railing again. The tears have subsided, but they leave my face tight, my nose irritated, and my chest strangely open and calm.

“Helen thinks everything bad that happened with that contract was my fault.”

“And what do you think, deep down?”

It takes me a few seconds to answer, staring at the distant lights of a merchant ship on the horizon.