Page 16 of Our Chaotic Love Affair

God, he had a nice laugh.

Was that the first time I’d heard it? No, that couldn’t be. But I was having trouble remembering another time, which seemed impossible. Surely, he’d laughed before. Surely, I’d witnessed it.

But this felt different. This felt real. Was he drunk?

I tried to remember how much he had drunk by the fire. I was pretty sure he nursed the same beer the whole time. And before that maybe a beer or two.

So, not drunk.

The conversation shifted naturally. We no longer felt like enemies. We weren’t friends, but we were somewhere in between, which meant we could have an actual conversation without sniping at each other.

We discussed the baby announcement, the wedding timeline, and the logistics of pulling off something meaningful in such a short window. I finished my glass, and without asking, Cash got up, grabbed the bottle, and refilled both of our glasses.

“I always dreamed Melody and I would hit the motherhood milestone together,” I said with a sigh. And then I froze. Holy shit. Did I just say that out loud?

Slow down on the alcohol, Cleo.

The words hung in the air, more honest than I’d intended.

“You want kids,” Cash said. It wasn’t a question.

“Eventually. Yeah.” I took another drink. “I’m overjoyed for her. I am. It’s just…” I trailed off, shaking my head. I felt too vulnerable. I barely knew the man, and I was about to spill my guts about my insecurities and failures? “Never mind.”

I stood up abruptly. I needed air he wasn’t breathing. I walked out onto the balcony, and the view hit me all over again.

The ocean. The stars. The moon high above, painting everything in silver light.

I felt like I was standing on the edge of my own life. Like all I had to do was reach out and take a star from the sky for myself. Just grab it. Claim it. Make it mine.

But how? How did I do that when I was so tangled up in someone else’s orbit?

Cash came out behind me. “You feel like you’re being left behind, don’t you?” he said quietly.

My heart started to beat faster. Harder. Like it was trying to hammer its way out of my chest. I nodded, not trusting my voice.

“Resentful?” he added.

Ouch. But yes. Yes. That was exactly what I felt, and I hated myself for it. What kind of person resented their best friend’s happiness?

I considered lying. Brushing it off. Making a joke to deflect. But I was tired of deflecting. And if anyone could understand everyone around him getting a happily ever after while he was still alone, it would be him. His brothers were marrying off in rapid succession. Popping out babies and carrying on while the oldest was left to watch it all happen.

I did know a little something about the Bancroft family. Secondhand, of course, from what Melody told me.

“Yes,” I whispered. “Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before?”

“Go ahead.”

I took a breath, the ocean air filling my lungs. “I sometimes wonder where I’d be in my life if I hadn’t given so much of myself to helping Melody build hers.”

The silence that followed was deafening. I could hear my own heartbeat in my ears, could feel the weight of that confession settling between us like a stone.

I had said too much. I looked like an asshole. A terrible friend. A selfish, small person who couldn’t be happy for someone she loved. I had never ever spoken that thought aloud. And I just said it to the one person who wouldn’t hesitate to use it against me.

Cash stepped closer, leaning against the balcony railing beside me. He was quiet for a long moment. I braced myself for judgment. For disappointment. For confirmation that I was exactly as awful as I feared.

Then he surprised me by smiling. Not mockingly. Not condescendingly.

“Can I tell you something you’ve probably never let yourself hear?” he asked.