Page 69 of A Beast Captured My Heart

“This bitch sexy, ain’t it? You know I had to fuck with you and buy it. On the real, I’m giving this bitch to wifey. I was just breaking the hoe in for her. I like big boy trucks, nigga. You can keep playing with these lil cute cars. Now stop bitching and enjoy the ride, cry baby ass nigga.” He turned the music sky-high.

I reclined my seat as I chanted to myself, “I am Praise. Praise is Beast, and we are one.”

I said it about a thousand times the whole ride. I’d never stop saying it to myself until I felt myself actually believing it more, and I needed it imprinted in my head.

“I’m proud of you on some real shit, my nigga. I thought you would never be willing to get the proper help you need as far as your mental. You’re doing really good, though. If nobody told you that shit, let me be the first to say it. When we get out here, I think you should go holler at Kayori. You got to see her sooner than later. You know she due to drop any day now.”

“I don’t know, man,” I casually stated.

“Fuck you mean you don’t know?” He merged on the freeway, glancing at me and then focusing on the road.

“Yo, don’t start that bullshit, nigga! She’s about to have yo baby. You ain’t gotta be with her, but you gotta sit down with her and establish some shit. She gon’ have that baby any day now.”

“Nigga, I swear you be acting like you’re my damn therapist or some shit.”

I ain’t have time to sit and this car and let this nigga Stone talk to me like he was my damn therapist. I was challenged enough when it came to my actual therapist. That shit wasn’t easy at all. They constantly took notes and asked you questions, then made you think about the answers you gave them. Those damn therapists constantly touched on subjects that triggered you, and you had to keep your cool to try to show them that you weren’t as crazy as they made you out to be.

“Fuck you, nigga. You know I’m gon’ keep that shit a thousand with you. You on some pussy ass scary shit. Got shot by a girl, now she got yo ass spooked and pressed ‘bout being around her and establishing some grown man shit for yo kid.” He shook his head as I sat my seat up with my fist balled up. The anger rose so fast in me that I started to feel dizzy.

“Fuck you just say, nigga?”

Stone glanced at me and put his focus back on the road.

“Let me know now if you need the fade, nigga. I’ll pull this bitch over and get with you. You heard exactly what I said nigga! I ain’t validating shit,” he snarled as I did a countdown in my head to calm myself down.

“I ain’t no pussy ass nigga! Ain’t no bitch got me spooked of shit!”

This time the tension in the car felt lighter as Stone chuckled and shook his head.

“Could’ve fooled me. Every time a muthafucka mentions Kayori, you get hella uptight. My godson gon’ be here soon, so you betta pull that shit together.”

The rest of the car ride was quiet; no words needed to be spoken. Stone put some shit on my mind, and I knew I had to face Kayori. I didn’t have a choice; I was never going to be a deabeat-ass father. I just couldn’t really sort my feelings for Kayori, and that shit stressed me out. For the first time in my life, I felt conflicted as hell. I didn’t even know how to approach her or what I would do when I laid eyes on her. I still haven’t mentally forgiven her for just taking the fuck off and just leaving after shooting me.

She ain’t even try to hear me out either. She left me for dead is how I felt. Although, we fell for each other hard in a short period of time. My feelings were real for her, and I felt more for her than I ever even felt for Nia. That’s how I know this shit was real. Kayori had an unstable ass nigga like myself wanting to change and trying to make things okay for her. When she was living with me, it wasn’t easy, but I tried to make myself appear less crazy. She ain’t understand how hard that shit was. To appear okay every single day, like I didn’t have a million voices yelling and saying crazy shit in my head. Every day I woke up to Kayori and had a fear of losing her. She filled whatever void I had left inside of me. She calmed the fuck out of me without even trying. She embraced and loved on a nigga. She ain’t have to tell me that she loved me; I felt that shit deep inside of me.

I couldn’t explain this shit if I wanted to, but her being there every day made me feel good. The fear I had daily was being too crazy for her. Those voices kept telling me that I wasn’t good enough, she was gon’ leave me, and she was gon’ play me. She ended up proving that the shit was just too good to be true. I was tired of sounding like a pussy, though. Stone was right. I got tired of my own thoughts towards Kayori. I sounded like a broken fuckin record.

I was gon’ to face her and make all the plans that needed to be made so our baby could feel the love from both of his parents. He didn’t ask to be here. I needed to make sure where Kayori was staying was safe, and I needed to set some fuckin rules when it came to my son.

I mentally prepared to stay in L.A. for a couple of weeks. Maybe even a couple of months and just travel back and forth to Vegas. My legal money was in Vegas, and I was making plenty of it. All of my street shit was out in L.A. I didn’t get involved in that, but I still collected my percentage every month, no less. I had clubs and restaurants being run in L.A. as well. Everything was going smooth, so it wouldn’t hurt to pop in and let them know the boss was still around.

“Call my assistant and tell her ass to find me a nice ass house to buy, kid-friendly, maybe in Gardena. That’s close to Leandra’s nagging ass and Kayori’s pistol crazy ass.”

Nodding his head and smiling, I knew he was about to add his two cents.

“That’s more like it. Beast done grew his balls back. You need to start calling Leandra momma again nigga, that shit lowball disrespectful.”

“Yea and you need to highkey stay out of my business. Now, can I rest the rest of the way? Doctor Phil ass nigga.”

The whole ride, we went back and forth until my eyes grew heavy, and I fell asleep. I needed all the rest I could get before picking up Mattea's spoiled ass.

Pulling up to my mom’s house with Stone following behind me, I chanted to myself and did a pep talk. Leandra and I were cool now, but she still pressed my buttons like any black mother would do. I never knew what to expect from her ass, so I just prepared for whatever it was. Knocking on the door, I admired the garden that she had on the side of her nice brick house.

Leandra took pride in her home; she had the best-looking house in the neighborhood. Opening the door wide, she placed a hand on her hip with a cigarette dangling from her full lips. I had to admit that my mom looked good today. She always carried herself with class, dressed nicely, and kept her hair in place. Today she had her hair and one of her favorite styles. Shirley Temple curls. The curls were all over her head, with a diamond hair clip in the middle highlighting the patch of gray hair.

Her brown skin was oiled down, so in the sun, it looked greasy as hell but still glowed. My mom was short and chubby, but all of her clothes complimented her weight. At the age of fifty-nine, she looked like she was in her early forties.

“You’re looking good, son. Come in.”