Page 115 of No Greater Oblivion

“I’m sorry.” I shake my head and drag my palms across my wet cheeks. “I’m just tired⁠—”

“You aren’t tired. Something’s wrong. Was it Rian?” I shake my head. “Alejandro? Was he bothering you again? Tell me right now because the next time he comes around, I’ll shove both his fucked-up hands into a blender!”

A sound leaves me, a cross between laughter and a scoff, as I dry my tears. “Lyss…what the fuck am I doing with my life?”

“That sounds more like a question for you and Jesus.”

“Seriously. What the fuck am I doing? I don’t even know anymore,” I tell her. “Almost all my relationships are shot to Hell and I have no plans for myself beyond graduation. Not to mention that my finances are going to change drastically now that I’ve severed ties between Alex and me.”

My voice falters and I feign a cough to hide it but Lyss knows me too well.

“You’re still in love with him,” she states matter-of-factly.

There’s no use hiding it but I’m too much of a coward to admit as much aloud.

She presses her lips together. “Then what are you doing with Rian?”

“Don’t say it like that. As if I don’t care about him too. It wasn’t supposed to happen this way.”

“Then how was it supposed to happen, Dee? Because you don’t even seem to know yourself.”

I was supposed to be in Barcelona. Happy and in love in Barcelona, living in my beautiful house with all its treasures and the things I saved with my own two hands. We were supposed to celebrate holidays and birthdays together and fill the place with laughter and memories but none of that happened. The first and only time in my life where I decided to trust my instincts and let go of my need to control, it blew up in my face.

“If you’re still in love with him, why don’t you go back with him?”

“Because I don’t want the life he’s offering.”

And I’d rather live the rest of my life alone than go back to that.

28

THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR

Alejandro

The Past

New York City

It’s been years since we spent a Christmas in New York and much to my surprise, Lettie is the most excited of all.

“Oh. My. God.!” She screeches. “It’s an elf!”

She practically tramples past me in her pursuit of a Salvation Army Santa Claus and the elf he has in tow, whom I’m almost certain is a fifth grader in costume. About an inch or two of snow from last night covers the ground and most of it might’ve melted by nightfall if not for this afternoon’s flurry. Dahlia drags her hand along the edge of a decorative pot housing a pine tree to gather the snow there. When Diego passes, too engrossed with what’s on his phone to notice, she smashes the snow against the side of his face.

His head shoots up and before he can grab hold of her, Dahlia dashes down the street to catch up with me, slipping her arm through mine. Diego gathers a fistful of snow from a nearby tabletop in Herald Square but I shoot him a look of warning.

“Don’t even think about it.”

Diego gives Dahlia a menacing glance that’s more playful than sincere. “Your protector won’t be around forever.”

“Good luck!” she sing-songs over her shoulder.

She drags me along and we stop to admire the window displays.

This year an inflatable Tiptoe the Reindeer sits on the awning just below the clock and flanked by Christmas trees on either side. All the windows are different colors: red, pink, blue, and green, each featuring a different scene. On the blue display window is a massive button that Dahlia can’t help but press. She squeals with delight upon realizing there’s a camera inside one of the floating ornaments. Her childlike delight takes her to all the windows where she admires the penguin riding a hot pink carousel and a white bear dressed as a nutcracker.

She laughs and smiles and we continue our walk uptown, leaving Herald Square to where all of Fifth Avenue is lit from sewer to cellar with Christmas lights. Some buildings are designed to look like wrapped gifts while others boast impressive window displays, abundant with massive trees, angels made of light, and other holiday memorabilia. We pass Rockefeller Center where Lettie and Dahlia take hundreds of photos of the tree and Diego insists we make an attempt at ice skating.