Page 142 of No Greater Oblivion

“Don’t listen to her. She didn’t mean⁠—”

Karina interrupts me. “Yes she did.”

Dr. Brosnan and I exchange knowing looks in silence.

“Kay, the only thing I care about is your safety.” I reach for one of the notepads on the side table, strewn across a pile of medical pamphlets and magazines. Dr. Brosnan notices and reaches into her whitecoat for a black pen she hands to me. “I’m going to give you my phone number. Keep it in a place your husband won’t find it. If something happens…or if you just want out, I want you to call me. Okay?”

I scribble my number across the notepad and fold the paper twice so it’s small enough to fit in the palm of her hand. She doesn’t move or make any acknowledgement of my presence but when Dr. Brosnan eventually turns the wheelchair and guides her away, I watch her fingers curl around the paper.

35

FINAL CONFESSION

Dahlia

The Past

Barcelona, Spain

The days bleed into each other.

Diego and Lettie do their best.

Christmas is a blur of lights and wrapping paper and the days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve are a dark blue stain on the tapestry of my mind. I spend hours weaving memories into thread, reliving every moment in search of the one where it all went wrong. My fingers bleed from all the times the needle pricks my skin but I keep sewing, keep weaving, keep searching. I’m bleeding out by the time I finally realize there was no one moment where it all fell apart. It was a collection of them, one after the other, for nearly five years.

When Brent asked Karina on a date my freshman year and I let it happen. When Karina told me she thought she loved him and I didn’t stop her. All the times I had my doubts but kept them to myself because Karina’s happiness mattered more to me than her dating a guy I disliked in college. It was my knowing something wasn’t right between Brent and Yulissa but I exchanged my silence for the ring on Karina’s finger.

My sacrifice was supposed to mean something. Brent was insufferable to me but he loved my cousin and he made her happy. But what will have been the point in all this if even that wasn’t true?

I stare out the living room window for hours. For the most part, everyone gives me my space. Doña Ana brings me plates of fruit that go untouched and Lettie sits across from me to read her magazine in silence. After a while, she leaves too and then it’s Diego who attempts light conversation but can’t get more than a nod or a headshake out of me.

I glance at the clock across the room. The sun set hours ago, but Beni passed by a little while ago and turned on one of the lamps.

Three hours till midnight.

My first New Year’s without Karina since I was a teenager.

A year ago we were at her wedding and the years before that we were together, drunk and laughing, watching fireworks and making memories. The urge to cry makes my throat tighten but I don’t think I have any tears left in me. I sobbed the whole night through after it happened, cried on the plane ride home, and heaved until I was sick all Christmas Eve.

I’m accustomed to Karina choosing Brent over me—in fact, I’m very familiar with being people’s second choice, it’s nothing new. However, more than her rejection and her affirmed commitment to Brent, I’m wounded by her betrayal.

How could she not believe me? I’m her blood, her cousin, her sister. We’ve known each other our entire lives and she called me a liar in a room full of people who all knew I was telling the truth. Why was it so easy to be believed by them but not the one person who’s known me since the day I was born?

Why is it so hard for people to love me? What’s so wrong with me that I cannot be loved in the same way that I love others?

One way or another everyone always ends up leaving. I’m tired of being left, abandoned, and unwanted. I can’t help but wonder how long the life I have now will last because if the one person whom I always trusted to love and want me couldn’t, who’s to say the people here will? My own family never cared enough about me to stay. Maybe I’m a stop along the way to a greater destination. Something Regina told me months ago floats to the surface of my mind.

Maybe I’m living someone else’s life.

And if that’s the case then where do I belong? If I belong anywhere.

My thoughts delve into a deeper, darker place and I know my time sitting alone has come to an end. Exhaustion and heartbreak are making me unreasonable. As soon as I find Alejandro and recenter myself it’ll be okay. We’ll watch a movie together until midnight hits and then we’ll race to eat twelve grapes. One of us will probably end up choking and Diego and Lettie will make fun of us. I’ll laugh and for a little while, I’ll forget.

I leave the living room and search the house. Alejandro isn’t in his usual spots—kitchen, study, bedroom—and I eventually find him in the main foyer with Mauricio and Dimitrio. He’s wearing his coat and a pair of gloves, the three of them whispering intently.

“Are you going somewhere?” I ask as I descend the main stairs.

Alejandro casts me a distracted glance. “No, no, I just got here.”