Page 25 of No Merciful Corruption

“You think I’m upset because of him?” He says slowly, eyes narrowing with focus.

I struggle for the words. “Well…”

He pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Please, let me explain. I never intended for anything to⁠—”

“Dahlia,” he cuts me off. “I’ve never met anyone as intelligent as they are clueless.”

My lips purse. “Rude.”

“I had no right expecting fidelity in a relationship that never really existed.” His freehand flinches at his side and he balls it into a fist as he looks away. “You were right. I was asking you for a commitment I hadn’t even made myself. Moving in together before deciding what we really wanted would’ve been a mistake. I kept asking you to choose between me and a man I didn’t even know for some abstract future I hadn’t defined for us. And then when I discovered that man was Alex…”

I wring my hands, unsure if I should reach out to him or stay where I am.

“You made your boundaries clear. I didn’t. I muddied the waters of our relationship before it even began because of my inability to commit. So whatever did or didn’t happen between the two of you it isn’t any of my business. It doesn’t matter.”

“But it does matter. I shouldn’t have⁠—”

“I won’t fault you your mistakes any more than you fault me for mine.” He pauses for a moment. “I promise. I’m not upset because of that. In fact, I expected it to happen much sooner.”

“There isn’t anything going on between us,” I say and it’s the truth. “Ask Lyss. He drops off groceries and cooks for us. That’s it.”

“It’d be all right if it was more.”

“No…it wouldn’t be. I’m sorry⁠—”

“Don’t be. You love him.”

“I love you too.” The confession slips from my lips with a desperation that makes my knees weak.

“I know you do. But it isn’t the same.” He replies. “You love me the way you love Damiano. Maybe you were confused for a little while because you felt disloyal or guilty but I never was. I knew from the moment I watched the two of you in the same room together that I was the intruder. And if I fought against it as long as I did, it was only because I let my ego get the better of me.”

I wish I knew what to say to him.

His forgiveness feels undeserved. Was what I did infidelity or was I merely crossing one line of many? How do I justify this in my head?

I betrayed both of them in different ways. Rian because I abused his trust and Alejandro because he was the one I really loved all along. And then it hits me.

“I’m sorry.”

“I already told⁠—”

“For not telling you about Li.”

Rian’s mouth snaps shut and he finally looks at me. I take a few careful steps forward and close the distance between us. When I reach for him he doesn’t shy away from my touch and I place a hand on his shoulder. I meet and hold his gaze, forcing him to witness the sincerity pouring out of me as I speak.

“I was wrong. For lying to you, using you, and keeping secrets from you. Last summer, I wasn’t myself. I know it may be a little difficult to believe because this is the only version of me you’ve ever met but I promise. I’m much better than this. When Morales came to me and told me what Li was planning, I shouldn’t have tried to play the hero. I should’ve put my pride and feelings aside and told Alex. Who knows. Maybe things would’ve been different if I had.

“Time passed and I grew to love you without realizing it. It made me want to save you both but I couldn’t. The truth is my life was—is…spinning out of control. And helping you felt like the one thing I had power over. In the end, I caused more harm to you. Because now Li’s dead and it’s my fault.”

I catch my breath at the end when the weight of this realization finally hits me.

“He was your best friend and you deserved closure. A chance to be angry with him. To fight and scream and cry and demand answers. But you never got that because of me. I’m sorry for all the ways I hurt you and I’m sorry I took Li from you. No matter how things ended, you’ll still mourn the friend you loved and not the one who betrayed you. I’m sorry, Rian. I’m so, so sorry.

“And if you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise I will spend the rest of our lives proving I’m worthy of a second chance. To be your friend or at least a cordial acquaintance. But I’d much rather be your friend.”

The urge to dissolve into a puddle of tears overwhelms me but I gnaw on the inside of my cheek to keep the emotion at bay. Rian lifts his hand to my cheek and I hold my breath in anticipation of his answer, knowing he has every right to turn me away but praying he doesn’t.