Page 97 of Where Broken Wings Fly

If Raegan was going to use pity to wrangle me into a conversation, then he was going to win. Because I did feel sorrow for him, and an ounce of pain in my own heart as I saw him shift uncomfortably within his own body.

“You remember her?”

A small smile shone through on his face. And although we were back in Choilltean, he had never looked so radiant. It was like Cluaineach was an everlasting flame beneath his skin, capable of coming to his aide when he felt true darkness.

“I do. I’ve never met someone so… whimsical. So full of joy. And she was so pure, you know?”

I didn’t, but I nodded anyway.

“She was so good and I just cannot help but wonder… I cannot help but wonder what she would of thought of all of this. What she would have thought of me.”

It felt like the type of situation where I should have gone to him. Held his hand. Helped him restore strength. But I didn’t. I just stared, unsure of where he was going with this if not just for needing to say it.

“What you did yesterday, my mother would have done. What you said yesterday… She said something similar to me, once.”

My brows quirked to show him I could hardly remember what I said yesterday in a fit of adrenaline.

“‘Mercy is not a weakness but a strength’.”

Ah.

“And it just reminded me… Reminded me of the type of king that I have always wanted to be.”

The war between duty and heart. He had toyed with that, not so long ago. In reality, Raegan had toyed with that his entire life, it was etched in the very lines between his brows if one only looked hard enough. I had trouble imagining that anyone ever had, though. Which was why he was standing there, talking to me of all people.

“I think I know what she would want me to do.”

“Is it what you want to do?”

His eyes softened as he looked at me at last, as the truth bore into my flesh under the intensity of those eyes. Those eyes that were light once more, even though Choilltean clouded the sun from his reach.

“I want to. I really do. But, if I can be honest with you, I’m terrified.”

Another instance where it looked as if he was a stranger in his own skin. Another instance where I should have gone to him and touched that very skin, just to remind him that he was in it. But I didn’t.

“Then it’s probably the right choice.”

The smile that his lips stretched into wasn’t a true smile, only the ghost of the real thing.

“Will you be there tomorrow, during the rites?”

“Do you want me to be there?”

I didn’t realize it was such a heavy question until Raegan’s face shifted into the one more familiar to me, to the hard lines and set jaw.

“Do you want me to want you to be there?”

I recognized his smirk almost immediately. “We could do this all day, Raegan. But I’m tired, so let me just say I’ll be there.”

“Then let me say I do want you to be there.”

Somehow, that truth felt more damning than any of the others that he had spoken to me. So I nodded, a quiet dismissal of him from my room that he understood and departed from.

The conversation had been so strange, at such an odd hour, that I was almost convinced that it was a dream.

Or, like me, Raegan didn’t know whether or not he wanted to be alone. And perhaps, on this night out of many others, the simple warmth of Saoghal had not been strong enough to ease him. So I told myself that the reason he sought me out, of everyone, was because I was just a human who wouldn’t remember any of this in a week's time.

That was what I told myself, anyway. It was easier that way.