Page 20 of Why Broken Wings Fray

“Well I’m sure his new title–”

Killian shook his head several times. “No. It’s more than that. He’s not himself. The downfall of his kingdoms… Well, it’s killing him.”

“It’s not exactly like he’s–”

“You’re not listening,” he groaned as he moved towards me again, except this time I realized I didn’t want to be near him. I slid a few feet across the bed, snatching the hand that he was moving towards away.

“He’s changed.” Killian’s eyes narrowed as my joy slipped away, leaving only the truest and most revealed version of myself for him to assess. My year away from the pixies had been trying, apparently, as Killian said, “Just as you have changed.”

There was a sizzle in my veins. An emotion that I hadn’t been capable of feeling in a very long time, not since I was atop a dragon in the midst of a war.

“Yeah?” I snorted. “Great. Thanks for letting me know.”

His face shifted, a pinch of hurt and a dash of shock that made him resort back to looking at me a certain way. The way everyone looked at me in my darkest hours – pity.

I hated pity.

“You’re shocked that I changed?” I spat, using a voice that had never been mine. “You shouldn’t be.”

“Why–”

“I honestly thought…” I had to trail off, if only to stop the crack and whine to my voice. “I wasn’t allowed to seek you out. But what stopped you?”

Every emotion slipped off of his face, his eyes now wide and dumbstruck. “Olivia, you know I couldn’t–”

“Yeah,” I barked. “Yeah, I know. But you’re not allowed to stand there and judge what I became in the absence of you all.”

“Olivia–”

“Leave, please.”

His mouth opened once more and I resorted to pointing at the door, evading his eyes all together. “Please, just leave.”

Swallowing, he nodded at me several times before turning on his heel and obeying my command.

It was possible I was being a little hard on him. But I was so angry, confused, and tired, that I couldn’t think straight. All of that, combined with the fact that I needed to go and meet with Rory, brought forth a concoction capable of throwing Killian Fiodh’Rugadh from my room.

“Olivia–”

“Look, I know what you’re going to say. I know you’re angry or disappointed or whatever it is that drives you to look down your nose at me, Urram–” I paused only to take a deep breath, to look out the window that gave me the perfect view of a fading sun on Cluaineach. “But I needed to come back. I had to. So think what you want of me, but think it elsewhere.”

“Well–”

“Go and make up with Gliocas. Go and sit in your den and strop. I don’t care, just please leave me alone for a while.”

The cool things about dragons? They don’t argue. With another caw, Urram leapt from the bedsheets, waited for me to open the door for him, and left me in the wake of his disappearance.

Yes, I had kicked Killian and Urram out of my room because I needed to go and see Rory.

But there was another reason, one that was sitting beneath every thought and was darkening every attempt I made to feel at home in Saoghal once more. It was like rot in a piece of fruit, small at first but quickly growing and devouring with every second that I let myself sit in that heavy blackness.

I had not realized how bad I was truly doing until I was back here. Until Urram threw the drinking – and socializing – habits in my face and forced a mirror to my soul. Until I saw Killian look at me and it melted the frigid confines of my heart. Until I had stood next to Raegan and realized that the sun would never compare to the warmth that spread over my body.

Increasingly aware that I didn’t have long before I needed to leave to get to Rory, I crashed down on the bed and let my mind be swallowed by that dread. I wanted to cry – I could feel the build-up along my throat and the tightening of my eyes in preparation, but no salty tears came. Instead, I just stared at the ceiling and let sorrow ride waves within my blood.

Saoghal was supposed to be my ultimate sanctuary. It was home in a way I had never known a home to be. Yet, though I was back, I had never felt as far away from it as I did now.

Which was worsened because now I didn’t have ghostly hands grazing mine or the haunting image of green eyes behind my eyelids.