Page 99 of Anything But Lonely

I want them more than I want another tour.

But there's still something that won't settle.

"I don't think I'm scared of the band ending," I admit.

Emerson glances over at me.

"I think I'm scared of..." I trail off, searching for the right words. "Not mattering the same way."

The confession feels embarrassingly honest.

I shove my hands deeper into my pockets.

"That sounds incredibly arrogant when I say it out loud."

"You’re hot enough to pull it off."

I look over at her, my lips curving. "Have I told you how good you are for a man’s ego?”

She winks at me. “Once or twice.”

I let out a laugh that turns into a sigh. "It’s just,” I start, trying to turn all these feelings into words I can explain. “There were people who came to our shows and told me our music got them through the hardest parts of their lives. Divorces, addiction, losing loved ones, depression, and other mental health issues." My throat tightens. "People would wait for hours just to tell us that one song changed their life, or made them feel a little less alone.”

Emerson's expression softens, a knowing look on her face, and I remember what she told Crew—about how she listens to our music when she misses her mom, and how I overheard the lyrics she had playing in her headphones while she was sleeping.

"I'm not saying I saved anybody. I know how ridiculous that sounds.”

"It doesn't sound ridiculous,” she says.

I swallow. "I just..." I stare down the sidewalk ahead of us. "I liked being part of something that helped people. Even in a small way."

The words finally click into place.

That's what I've been grieving.

Not the tours.

Not the fame.

Not even the music.

The purpose.

The feeling that what I was doing mattered to someone. That what I was doing had an impact. Made a difference.

For a moment, Emerson is quiet.

Then she says, "My brother mentioned they're looking for volunteers at the fire station."

I bark out a laugh. "What?”

"I'm serious."

I glance at her.

"The volunteer program. They're always looking for people."

"Emerson, I don't think fighting fires at forty is my next career move."