Page 66 of Riding the Curve

Without lifting his burning gaze from mine, his lips caress the back of my hand. A tingling sensation spreads rapidly through my body as I whip my hand back into my lap. How he manages to affect me in such a way, even after all these years, is confounding.

“No wonder you’ve never had a shortage of women surrounding you.” I laugh.

The once playful expression drains from his face as he hangs his head. What I’d meant to be a joke falls flat between us. “I know I haven’t displayed the best character over the last couple of years.”

“We’re adults, Em, you don’t have to explain⁠—”

“I do, because that’s not the man I am.” His hand gently squeezes my knee. “Racing is not only my passion, it also became a shield for me over the years. When I was behind the wheel, the fear of Mama falling ill again didn’t consume me. For a few hours, the only thing I could focus on was the road ahead of me.

“For a while it helped. All of us, in fact. It gave me and my Dad so much to talk about and share, time together that I think we both needed. Both of us were silently struggling together. It was nice for us to find happiness in our shared hobby. It was good for Mama, too. It helped keep her spirits up, and gave her things to look forward to, much like those baking lessons she waited for each week with you. She loved watching the races and celebrating every win. But—” He pauses, taking his hat off and holding it between his hands. “After she passed, my carefully constructed wall cracked right down the middle. Everything I’d been trying to hold onto for years flooded free. Driving no longer silenced the thoughts. I started going out to fill the void. Numb the pain. All I found at the bottom of every bottle was the reflection of my own hollowness.”

I turn to face him, my palm finding the side of his cheek. His lashes flutter closed as my thumb soothingly strokes back and forth. A warm, calloused palm envelops mine. His cerulean gaze holds steady with mine.

“There are several things I’ve done that I’m not proud of. Days that I feel like I don’t deserve happiness. But that’s something I’m working on.” Guiding my hand away from his cheek, he lays it gently over his heart. “You want the truth?”

Slowly, I nod. Nerves coil inside my stomach.

“These past few years I’ve been searching for you in every woman I’ve met. It was a futile search. Somehow, Hen, you always know when I need you most. Hell, we haven’t spoken in seven years, but the moment you came crashing back into my life you instantly began to help me want to make changes just from your presence alone. You remind me to keep searching for that light. You’re the only one who ever made me feel alive.” He taps the back of my hand lying flush over his heart. “If I’m honest, this has always belonged to you.”

There’s a sting forming behind my eyes as I flutter my lashes to keep the tears at bay. Grabbing his hand, I place it against my own heart. “And mine’s always belonged to you.”

He leans his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. That was never my intention.”

A tear slips free, rolling gently down the side of my cheek.

“I’m afraid you’re going to do it again. As much as I want to, the thought of opening my heart to you again terrifies me.” Rolling my eyes up to find his, I see the impact of my words written all over his face.

His jaw snaps tightly shut, the muscle protruding. Deep lines carve into his forehead, and his eyes begin to redden. Gently parting my thighs, he inches his body closer to mine, holding my cheeks between both of his palms.

“I’m sorry I ran all those years ago.”

“Me too.” I whisper between us. “Why did you do it?”

He swallows deeply. “There’s no excuse for how I treated you. I should have been stronger for you. For both of us.”

“If we’re ever going to move forward from this, I need to hear it from your lips. I’ve had seven years to allow my brain to imagine every scenario and every reason why you could have left me like that. Please tell me, Em.”

His palms fall to my thighs, and he drops his gaze to take a steadying breath. “That night will forever be ingrained in my mind.”

“Mine, too.” I breathe, feeling his fingers curl into my exposed skin.

“That night, you looked so incredibly happy. Vibrant, full of life. Free. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

His grip squeezes tighter, as if a warning for what’s to come next. I cover them with my own, gripping with the same intensity. Silently letting him know that I have him. That he’s safe to let go of whatever he’s been holding on to that’s causing him so much pain.

“That day, we took Mama to her annual checkup appointment—” He pauses abruptly to take a breath, and my eyes flutter shut. “She found out that the cancer had returned. But this time, it was in her lungs.”

“Oh, Em—” I breathe. His bottom lip begins to quiver as I brush my thumbs across his skin in soothing circles.

“They explained to us how invasive lung cancer can be. How it’s often resistant to most treatments. Then, to crush our hopes ever further, they projected that she had another five years at best. Twice she fought it back and came out stronger on the other side. And with one diagnosis, it was all stripped away. Replaced with a countdown timer of days she had left.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Letting go of his hands, I thread my fingers through the sides of his hair. Forcing his gaze to remain on mine. “I would have been there for you, like I always have. You didn’t have to sit with that alone.”

“That moment opened my eyes to just how fleeting life truly is. I was so afraid that I was about to lose two of the most important women in my life. I knew I had to see you. I couldn’t let you go without finally tell you how much I fucking cared about you. How I always have. But as soon as I saw how happy you were, I got into my head. After a few drinks, it only got worse.

“I completely messed it all up. When I heard Ryleigh call out my name, everything hit me all at once. I knew I was a wreck, and you were at the prime of your life. If I came back into the kitchen that night, I would have only dimmed it. You deserved to experience the world, follow your dreams. Being with me would have only held you back.”

Glossy eyes met mine, and the dam finally broke free. Tears cascade down my cheeks, but I don’t let go of my grip. “What I deserved was a chance to make up my own mind, Emerson. And you wouldn’t have held me back. Can’t you see that all these years you’ve been giving me courage to keep pushing through?”