Page 6 of Dying Flame

I smiled and nodded in hopes that would be enough to make him believe that I was interested in all of those things. Come morning he won’t remember or care for any of the things he mentioned earlier. That’s fine, but I’ll still make him attend a session or two while we are here. It only makes sense that we do since this is a couples retreat, after all.

When we checked in yesterday, the main office mentioned letting us set off some fireworks tonight. Devin is too drunk to do so, and I’m not a huge fan of them, but maybe I’ll grab a few just in case. Could I get lucky and he blows his hand or a finger off in a tragic accident? No. I’m not lucky that way. Instead, I’ll just maintain my composure and go along with what everyone else is doing.

The fire roars as we approach the pit. People are already there fueling the fire and chattering away in their own worlds. I like people-watching and listening instead of actually participating in conversation.

The group next to us comes out every year for the holiday. The young college-age girls are there on a girls trip; all from different schools, coming together again after a semester away. Families, and other couples surround us while they talk about their plans for the week and how to reconnect again.

There was a time that I wanted to reconnect with Devin. I wanted us to rekindle the fire we once had before life and work took over. At least that’s what I thought was the problem. Now I know the truth of it all. It was never me; it was always about him. I’ve come to terms with the mistakes younger me made, and now I have to make things right, but not for myself. For all the women he’s wronged.

The flames soar as the sun burrows beneath the mountains. Darkness surrounds us, and the scene changes. The flames dance around and create shadows around everyone who weren't there before. It’s as if I can see everyone else’s dark secrets and desires. Even when I look back at Devin, I can see the evil in him.

The camp manager comes by with plastic tubs filled with fireworks of different kinds. Without waiting for Devin to grab any, I pick a few small ones from the tub. They’re simple ones that stick in the ground and you light off. I have a lighter in the cabin so we can wait to use these later.

“Alright, everyone! Why don’t we go around and share what we hope to get out of the retreat this week?” The camp manager shouts over everyone rummaging through the firework bucket and chattering amongst themselves. The group quiets down, and a couple of guys on one side of the bonfire start by introducing themselves, and the rest I couldn’t hear.

By the time it got to us, Devin wasn’t even paying attention. He had his eyes set on that group of girls again.

“Hi, I’m Emily, and this is my husband, Devin. It’s our first time at the campground, and we look forward to attending some couples sessions and getting some much-needed time away from work.” The group next to me starts with their intros, and I can breathe again. I was afraid Devin would say something, but he didn’t even budge next to me.

After everyone has spoken, some begin to light off their fireworks. The thick smoke of the fireworks going off mixed with the bonfire fills the area around us. I grab Devin’s arm to get his attention and motion for him to follow me back to the cabin.

“Looking forward to time off from work, huh?” He grumbles once we’ve arrived at the cabin.

“Yeah, I am. Aren’t you? Oh wait, you never take time off of work. Want to help me set these off, or are you too busy drinking?” The vein on his forehead starts to throb. A telltale sign I’m getting on his last nerve. Over the years I’ve learned how to push his buttons very carefully and controlled.

Sometimes he doesn't even realize why he’s getting pissed off, but I know why. I take the lighter from the kitchen and walk out the back door and into the clearing behind the cabin. How the fuck do I even light these stupid things? I shove the stick attached to the drum into the ground and find the fuse string.

I light it and step away quickly. The fuse burns quickly, and it screeches as it launches into the air. It pops and crackles in the air above me, revealing a pale blue color. So beautiful, and as I look up, the sky is filled with different colors. The sound of others lighting off their fireworks fills my ears.

Devin is standing at the doorway watching as I light off the second firework I picked up. This one is red. Classic. I’m kind of sad that he didn’t light it and hurt himself.

“Are you finished?” He snaps at me.

“I hope you get sober and clean up your act for tomorrow. We have our first couples session in the morning,” I say as I push past him and head to the bedroom. I just want to shower and see what tomorrow brings.

EIGHT

EMILY

We sit in the main center building surrounded by other couples for the purpose and vision session. It wasn’t my first pick, but I don’t want to spend too much time coming to these sessions, and it’s the first of the week. On the table in front of us are scraps of paper, pens, and markers for the vision boards we will be making.

There was a line of couples waiting outside before the doors opened, some I recognized from the bonfire and walking around the campground.

Devin woke up incredibly hungover this morning and didn’t say a word to me after last night. I even slept in a different room. I couldn’t stand the thought of him sleeping next to me or trying to touch me while he was drunk.

As the class begins, Devin keeps fidgeting with the things in front of us, not paying attention to what the counselor is saying. To be honest, I’m not paying attention to what she’s saying either; instead, I’m watching him. When it comes time for us to actually communicate and start creating our vision board for the next year, I freeze.

We both look at one another, and I swear I see something I’ve never seen before in his eyes. I saw the monster inside of him for a split second. His eyes narrowed, and a small grin came over his face.

He’s planning on getting rid of me. I know it for sure now. It’ll be either me or him this week, and if he gets to me first, then I won’t have to worry about anything anymore. It’s selfish, but so is wanting to get rid of him.

I keep telling myself it’s for all the women he’s wronged, but I’m also doing it for myself. Not to save myself, but to get revenge for all the years he’s lied and used me. For all the years I wasted being his wife when all I ever wanted was to have a happy and healthy marriage.

Was I supposed to be one of his victims, and he figured I was better off being his wife instead? Why did he pick me? Bile has risen to my throat, and I swallow to choke it back down again before he realizes anything is off with me. I’m so fucking exhausted lying all the time—pretending to not know a thing while I have a monster living with me.

“Well, we’ve accomplished a lot since we’ve met. Maybe we can plan a vacation, or spend more time… together?” My voice cracks at the last word. I have to play into this vision board class, but I’m struggling to keep it together now.

Devin shrugs, “yeah, we can do that. Or maybe we can plan to move to the west coast or something. Lots to think about, I suppose.” He takes one of the pencils and starts listing off places to move to.