Page 51 of Earthly Ties

I nod, then remember she can’t see me. “Yeah, we can try. Do you want me to hold you?”

Esther nods. “If you can.”

“Get comfortable,” I tell her, wiping away the tears dripping down her round cheek. The singeing pain along my fingers brings a smile to my face. “I’ll find a way to make it work.”

Heartbreak written across her face, Esther nestles into the blankets. The sky is dark with clouds, and raindrops pepper the window. I curl up alongside her, wrapping my arms around her waist and burying my face in her neck, the way I used to do in my dreams. I imagine I can smell the jasmine in her hair as I ignore the Life burning me. The delicate fragrance is so strong, I almost believe it’s real.

After a few seconds of searing fire, I manage to concentrate hard enough that the pain fades into a warm tickle where her skin touches me. “Can you feel this?”

Esther nods. “It’s a good thing I’m under the covers. You’re cold.”

I chuckle into her neck. “Sorry. You’re hot. In a good way.”

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Esther teases.

“Oh my god.” I laugh, squeezing her tight. It feels so much more human, so much more real, to hold her like this instead of sinking into her like I did when she was sick. “I just meant you don’t burn that much.”

We sit in silence for a while, before Esther suddenly asks, “Do you believe in soulmates?”

I try not to tense, but this question feels too loaded to answer right now. Too heavy a conversation for such an emotionally fraught moment. For her, yes, but also for me.

While I’m not sure why I’m avoiding this question, my thoughts veer to the safety of academic analysis. Why is she asking me this? Maybe she’s trying to figure out why I’m a ghost and haunting her? I mean, she’s not wrong if she imagines we’re Tied because of any romantic inclination from me. The soulmate thing is incorrect though. At least from what evidence I’ve gathered. But her dad just let her birthday greeting go to voicemail for the umpteenth time; I don’t want my East to feel rejected by my honesty.

Is that why I’m avoiding it? Because in my heart of hearts, I don’t like the answer? Because how could we not be soulmates, when I am spiritually tethered to this kind, generous, gorgeous woman who is just as desperate for companionship and affection as…I am?

With a frown, I shake my head, wisps of curly hair burning through my cheek. Since when am I desperate for companionship and affection? Dr. Lucy Monae was above all of that. Mom made sure of it. And yet, here I am. Tied to Esther, grateful beyond measure for her company, for her conversation, her affection.

“This might sound odd, considering I’m a ghost, but I don’t really even believe in souls at this point. Nothing I’ve ever read about death or the afterlife lines up with my experiences. But I guess why would anyone truly know about what death is like? It’s not like people come back from the dead and tell people about it.”

It may not be the answer to bring Esther comfort. But if she’s looking for a connection with me, the real me, she should expect a genuine answer. I have too many thoughts, and limited opportunities to share them, to pass up this chance to give a lecture.

I clear my throat. “My latest hypothesis is that I’m more of a lingering energy imprint, and I’ll eventually fade away. As if I’ve moved to another plane of existence, but this part of me is stuck in yours. I suspect that my consciousness is Tied to you because I didn’t have any other emotional connections. If I had more people I cared about, perhaps I wouldn’t be in one place. Like, it’s as if my residual energy is concentrated around you, and if I had more people, I wouldn’t be a ghost. The other ghosts I’ve encountered seemed lonely and isolated like I was, at least. It’s like our loneliness brought us all to a liminal phase of death, or perhaps another form of existence.”

I pause to give Esther a chance to redirect me, but she patiently listens, eyes closed with a small smile gracing her lips.

“Everyone else might have had multiple people they care about, and so they emanate back into the universe more smoothly. But the lonely ones follow our Ties until our energy eventually fades, or we move fully into the next plane. Although my empirical evidence is based on the handful of others I’ve talked to and myself. Not exactly a reliable scientific basis. That’s what I’ve come up with anyway.”

While her face is still pale and eyes red, Esther manages to crack a smile. “I think that’s the most I’ve ever heard you say all at once.”

I snort into her neck, relieved she’s not calling me out for avoiding her real question. That “are we soulmates?” was a “defining the metaphysical relationship” question if I ever heard one. To avoid it, I intellectualized any real feelings. Classic Dr. Monae. “Sorry. You brought up an academically and personally relevant topic of conversation. It’s nice to share my speculation, even if I might be totally off base.”

“You’re such a nerd,” Esther teases.

“And you’re not?” I ask pointedly. Esther just makes a noncommittal hum in response. I swallow. While I avoided her question, I’m also desperate to know what she thinks. “Why do you ask? Do you believe in soulmates?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. I’ve always felt really connected to you, and I could never explain why.” Esther shrugs, as if that’s some small thing. The simple admission sends a giddy rush under my skin. She has a way of making me feel so special, in such ordinary ways. “Even if we never really talked, I knew you would be an important person to me somehow. And ever since you died, I’ve been able to sense that you’re with me.” Esther tentatively touches my arm around her waist. I’m grounded enough that her hand rests on top, almost like I’m still alive. “Tell me more about the Ties? And the other ghosts? You mentioned Syd’s mom a few times. Are there others?”

I mull over my answer. My East has set me up with the perfect opportunity to be vulnerable, and my first instinct is to dodge it. “There are some spirits following other people around, who are all bonded to their Ties, like I am to you. Harriet—Syd’s mom, she’s been a ghost for over twenty years—told me we’re Tied to the last person we cared about on Earth. She’s Tied to Syd, has been since they were a baby. So I hope Ties aren’t soulmates, because there seem to be a lot of parents Tied to their kids.”

After a pause, I quietly admit, “Angel has both of our parents Tied to him.” I’m still unsure if I want her to know that. But it’s relevant, and it would feel like a lie by omission, to not confide in her the way she’s confided in me.

“Oh, yeah, that would be hella Oedipean if your mom was Angel’s soulmate.” Esther laughs, but it cuts off suddenly as it sinks in. “But wait, that means…both of your parents were there when I met Angel? Oh, Lucy. I’m sorry. Why wouldn’t you tell me that earlier? That is a heavy burden to carry by yourself.”

I blink back the burning pressure behind my eyes. “I’m not really sure how to process it. At first, I was angry that they didn’t love me. That Dad didn’t love me, I guess. I already knew Mom didn’t. But I can’t force him, or anyone, to care about me. It’s not like I ever showed any of them that I cared about them.” I shake my head, throat thick. “My whole life, I acted like I didn’t care about anyone. With your parents, you show your love by calling them, keeping communication open. I never did that. Not for my family, not for Cash, not for you. Cash was the only one who saw through me and kept caring, even when I put up walls.”

Esther hums her disagreement. “When you’re a kid, you shouldn’t have to prove your love to your parents, and you shouldn’t have to question if they love you.”

I’m not sure how to process that either, so I stay silent. Mom cared more about my utility than love. I was her babysitter, her servant, her scapegoat—not her daughter.