Page 59 of Earthly Ties

Lucy sighed, bored already. It was quiet without Dream Esther here. Far too quiet. “Esther? Are you hiding from me? I’m sorry I left, love. I just had a little mental breakdown and ran away! Can we blame the bougie wine? Can you come back now? I’ll even talk about my big feelings with you! I’ll even pretend I’ll do it in person, when we’re awake, if you want!”

Silence. Only the distant popping of bubbles as the waterfall reached the firmament, splashing aqua shimmer into an aurora, streaming across the rose-petal sky.

“Esther!” Lucy called louder. “Can you hear me? Dr. Voigt! Dream girl!”

Sitting up against the wine-induced vertigo, her brows creased as she looked at Esther’s closet door next to her own cemetery gate. The idea of going through it felt just as wrong as the gate to her past did, drawing out a sinking dread in her gut.

A warning that Lucy was still too drunk to heed.

Determined, she scrambled up to stand before the bifold door. Her gaze followed the unicorn and fairy stickers plastered to the wood grain, and the bright pink E and V hanging in the middle. With a determined nod, Lucy tugged open the handle, and stepped through.

If the nice doors led to the future, she wanted to be in Esther’s.

Twenty-Seven

Absentmindedly spinning the Manhattan on the low table between us, Angel shifts to slump back in his leather club chair, brow furrowed. Angel asked Esther to meet in the same basement speakeasy bar as last time, only this time in the middle of the day. Light streams in from the egress windows, giving a more church basement feeling, instead of a candlelit lounge. I imagine both of my parents are still here, but I can only make out a faint trace of Mom hovering around him. Angel’s Ties don’t seem to have noticed Esther and I yet, and I’m glad to sit in silence to delay the inevitable.

Today, Angel’s performative charm has vanished in lieu of despondency. His eyes are downcast, all traces of his crooked smile erased. “You know her birthday is coming up?”

Esther worries her lower lip. She looks carefully at Angel before she responds. “Her birthday was the last time I…well, not saw her. I didn’t see her on her birthday, but it was the last day she signed in to work.”

Angel nods without looking up, but it slowly transforms into a slow shake of his head. “She didn’t want to hear from me, but I should have called her. I thought about reaching out on her birthday every year, but now it’s too late. I should have just fucking emailed her. Messaged her. I dunno how I’d even reach her, but I should have tried.”

I’m surprised he knew when my birthday was. But I shouldn’t be. Mom would never have gone out to eat to celebrate me if Angel didn’t ask her to. He would eat “half” (most) of my free dessert, and somehow charm the server into giving him a whole slice of cheesecake on the house, just for him.

Weird to think that one of my few good childhood memories was courtesy of Angel.

“Why didn’t you?” Esther asks.

Angel lets out a bitter snort. “Why didn’t she?”

“She used to look you up every year on your birthday and check to see if you were okay.” The words fly from Esther’s mouth, surprising all of us. “She did think about you.”

“She did?” Angel’s mouth crumples into a sob. He covers his face for a few moments. Esther and I watch helplessly as his shoulders shake. Once he catches his breath, he looks at her, his green eyes made vibrant with red from crying. “How do you know that? I thought you said you weren’t close.”

Esther purses her lips and blinks slowly. “I have a lot of her notebooks and course materials. There was a journal in there.” She winces. “I didn’t read much of it, just flipped through it until I realized what it was. Happened to open the page for your birthday.”

I squeeze her thigh approvingly. How quickly she invented that lie is rather impressive. While I’d always consider adding it as a bitter joke, my annual social media check on my brother would never have made it into my journal (too close to feelings territory). But still, my East lies far more convincingly than she used to, before she knew I was haunting her. Whether good or bad doesn’t really matter, it’s touching enough that I’ve had some influence on her.

She has a reason to lie now.

“Thank you, Esther.” Angel’s eyes shine. I’ve never seen him like this. Sure, he’s been emotional his whole life, but he was always confident. Self-assured. Untouchable. Now my brother seems so…fragile. His deep trembling breaths reveal how close he is to breaking. “I never realized what a twisted perception of Lucy I had until you dumped a drink on my head.”

Esther’s face burns red. “Uh…you’re welcome.”

I’m proud of her for not apologizing for that.

Angel fluffs his sandy brown curls in an almost sheepish gesture. “I started seeing a therapist after our conversation. I genuinely did not care that my sister was missing, and you called me out on how fucked up that was. Even if I can’t make amends, I want to hold myself accountable for how we treated her—how I treated her.”

“I’m sure Lucy would be touched that you’re trying for her sake.”

I am touched. Angel holding himself accountable for anything is newsworthy, but for me? I don’t take that for granted.

“The hardest part for me is reconciling how my mom treated her, compared to how she treated me. Like, Mom was the best! We were so close! She could be a little controlling and clingy, but she was so loving and caring, protective and supportive. But not to Lucy. And when I was a kid, I just accepted that as normal, but now that I’m older…” My brother trails off, back to shaking his head slowly. “Lucy was just a kid. How could a kid cause all of the hardship in our lives? How could a kid who ran away at eighteen cause all of Mom’s problems?”

Mom’s voice mutters, sullen and bitter, from under her shroud, but thankfully she doesn’t ground herself.

“She didn’t run. You know that, right?” Esther asks, interrupting him. “Your mom kicked her out. Lucy slept in her car until she could move into her dorm.”