Page 79 of Anthem of Love and Loathing

Her cheek dimples where she’s chewing on it from the inside. She lets out a long audible breath. “I can do it.”

“All right then.” Doc stands. “I’m going to leave my bag here. If you need me for any reason, call down and I’ll be straight up.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Kelsey says, forcing me to let her go.

“How is he?” Rook’s rushed voice reaches me from outside the door as I close my eyes.

“Okay,” Doc says. “Kelsey is going to keep an eye on him. I’ll be back if I’m needed.”

“Thank you,” Rook sounds relieved. Some things he can’t protect us from, and it probably irks him.

“I’ve got it from here,” Kelsey tells him. “I’ll call if I need you.”

For a moment it gets quiet and then Doc asks, “Are you okay?”

“No,” Kelsey says, the word wobbly. “I haven’t been okay in a very long time.”

“Should I take it things didn’t go well?” Doc asks.

“Understatement of the century,” Kelsey’s voice trails away. The darkness starts to rock me. It might as well sing me a lullaby.

A door closes somewhere in the suite and echoes in my brain.

I open my eyes to the warmth of light on my face. It’s from the lamp on Kelsey’s bedside table.

She lays beside me, the covers over her and under me a barrier between us that might as well be made of brick.

The clock on my side of the bed reads four in the morning. I roll onto my side so I can watch her while she’s not telling me she hates me. Her peaceful expression is a painful reminder that I once loved moments like these. Once loved her more than any other person. More than myself.

Her eyes open and our gazes catch. She blinks groggily a couple of times and draws the blanket closer.

Neither of us speak. The silence grows thick and heavy. It’s an unbearable weight on my chest. I have too many questions. Where has she been? Did she have a baby? Is she someone’s mom? Who has she been with? Who’s the sperm donor? The man she moved onto after me? Does she ever miss me the way I miss her? “I loved you. I loved you so fucking much. Did you ever give a shit?”

Her eyes widen. They grow hard. “How dare you say that to me. You loved me enough to cheat on me with Sonatina.”

“No, I didn’t.” How many times do we have to cover this same old ground? “I would never—”

“You’re such a liar.” She sounds as exhausted as I feel.

“Your ridiculous jealousy made you imagine something was going on when there wasn’t. You didn’t trust me.”

“Trust you?” She scoffs. “I saw the two of you with my own eyes.”

My teeth grind painfully together. “Then you were hallucinating, because it never fucking happened.”

“Stop it. Stop trying to gaslight me. That’s the worst part. That you’re still trying to convince me I’m crazy instead of admitting you and Sonatina were fucking.”

“I fucked her.” There I admit it.

She makes a sharp, short sound.

“But that was after you left me.” And I have no idea how she could have even found out. Guess it, sure, with the way Sonatina portrayed us on social media those first six months after Kelsey. “While we were together, you were the only one I was with. The only one I wanted.”

She shakes her head. “You still can’t be honest with me, can you? The night we had that big fight—”

“All we did was fight that whole damn weekend.” She wanted me to go public. She was obsessed with Sonatina dressing like her. Acting like Sonatina had it out for her. Perhaps she thought Sonatina was onto her. It wasn’t long after that the truth came out.

“Fine. The night of the reception dinner surprise, you slept in the den.”