Page 35 of Curveball

Hadley giggled. "No, Mommy no have baby now. Baby later?"

Oh, that makes me feel better.

Come back to mama. I grabbed my M&Ms bag back.

"I don't know, Hady girl, maybe someday."

"Daddy and Lily?" She tilted her head, curiously.

"Maybe, if they want to."

Hopefully, Jake handled postpartum with Lily better…

Satisfied with that answer, Hadley lay back down in my lap and placed my hand back on her head, indicating she wanted me to continue playing with her hair. "Hadwee, best big sister," she quietly murmured to herself as my heart squeezed tightly at the sentiment. I hoped one day I could give Hadley a sibling, but I knew deep down that Jake and Lily would likely give her that gift first. I wasn’t sure why, but that simple fact hurt. It made my chest tight, and an anxious, unsettled feeling sat heavily in my gut.

How many other things would Jake and Lily be able to give Hadley that I couldn't?

I knew this was a dangerous path to go down, so I quickly focused back on the movie to try to get myself out of my head.

Unfortunately, my mind drifted to a couple of years ago, when my marriage had officially fallen apart.

Chapter 17

Farrah

2 Years Ago

The front door closed, steady footsteps making their way into the living room, or my new home, if you will. For the last four or five months—at this point, I had lost track of time—I’d spent my days sleeping, eating, and existing in said living room. "Hey." Jake leaned down to kiss my cheek and then Hadley's as I cradled her in my arms. He studied our daughter for a moment. "Have you guys left the house at all today?" Judgment and disdain laced his words.

I sighed. Jake came home from work and asked me this question every day. You would think by now he would know my answer was also the same. "No." I didn't have the energy for the argument that usually ensued.

Surprisingly, Jake just nodded and left for the kitchen. I sighed in relief as I glanced down at my baby girl. Hadley was almost five months old, and was complete perfection with her soft blonde locks. She was a relatively easy baby, as far as newborns went, making it impossible for me to understand why I wasn't happier. I should have been elated, overjoyed, basking in newfound motherhood and this precious gift I held in my arms.

Instead, I didn't leave the house, I barely left my living room, and I didn't remember the last time I’d smiled. Instead of smiling, I cried.

Literally, every. Single. Day.

I didn't know what was wrong with me; I wasn't usually this emotional a person. I loved my daughter deeply, but I was miserable. How could I be so unhappy when there were women out there who struggled to have children of their own, and some who would never end up realizing their dream of having a child? That guilt would then throw me back into a deep, dark hole of self-loathing.

And the kicker?

At the same time, I was fiercely protective of Hadley. I had this all-consuming, overwhelming, illogical anxiety when it came to her. I barely slept, having to check on her throughout the night to ensure she was okay. I moved us into the living room so I wouldn't disturb Jake. My parents, his parents, and my siblings all offered to watch Hadley on numerous occasions. They tried to force me to go out with friends, get my hair done, or have a spa day so I could have a break, but I refused. They stopped trying when every time they pressed the issue, they were met with a full-on breakdown by yours truly. I could see the concern written all over my mom's face whenever she came over, but I chose to ignore it. It would all pass, and I'd be fine soon.

At least I was still showering.

This was all normal behavior and emotions for a new mom, right? My hormones were probably still wild.

I traced down the bridge of Hadley's button nose with my fingertips as I fed her. When she finished, she was almost completely asleep. I quickly burped her, swaddled her, and placed her into her bassinet that was tucked into the corner of the living room. After I turned her sound machine on, I placed a soft kiss to her delicate forehead and made my way to the kitchen. Jake was pulling out the chicken and broccoli casserole I had in the oven, and placed it on the stove. I grabbed two plates from the cabinet and served each of us a portion. I grabbed the baby monitor before joining Jake at the table to eat.

Jake's eyes flicked towards the monitor I was watching like it was the latest Netflix series. "Farrah. Do you really need to watch the monitor right now? She's in the other room; she’ll be fine for the ten minutes it takes us to eat dinner."

I clenched my jaw, grinding the back of my molars.

I hated it when he did this.

He never tried to understand how I felt, he was always dismissive.

Ignoring him, I began to eat while watching the monitor.