Page 80 of Verdict

This was it.

Say it.

Tell her.

Her gaze held mine. Steady, searching… hopeful.

The words were right there. Sitting on my tongue, heavy and desperate.

The words were right fucking there.

I swallowed, shifting Ellie slightly in my arms as she tucked her face into my chest, her tiny hand fisted in my shirt. Ava didn’t look away. She was waiting, like she was giving me the space to say whatever I needed to say.

My pulse kicked harder.

I could do this.

I’d faced down ninth-inning pressure with a packed stadium on its feet. I’d stepped into the box knowing the entire game rested on one swing. This shouldn’t have felt harder than that. But it did, because this mattered more than anything else ever had.

My grip tightened slightly around Ellie as I forced myself to hold Ava’s gaze. “I—”

The word stuck.

My jaw flexed. I tried again.

“I came because—”

Because I can’t stop thinking about you.

Because seeing you with someone else makes me lose my goddamn mind.

Because I don’t want you with anyone else but me.

Because I want this.

I want you, I want us.

The truth crowded my throat, pushing up, demanding to be said—all I had to do was let it out. Ava’s expression softened, like she wanted this too. And for one fleeting second—I believed I could have it.

And then it hit.

Not a memory exactly, more like a flash. A sensation. That sharp, suffocating panic. The way Coach’s voice shifted when he called my name in the locker room after practice. The air thinning in my lungs before he even finished the sentence. The world going quiet.

My mother was gone.

Just like that.

One minute she existed. The next minute she didn’t.

There was that hollow drop in my stomach. That dizzying understanding that loving something didn’t mean you got to keep it. I couldn’t hand that kind of power to anyone, I couldn’t let something matter that much, and I definitely couldn’t survive that again.

I couldn’t do it.

"I wanted to be here for Ellie's first Thanksgiving." The words felt small the second they left my mouth.

I saw it. The hope in Ava's eyes vanished, the light dimmed. And it was fucking torture.

But I couldn't risk it. I needed to keep my circle small, contained, manageable. Because every time I let something matter, it was taken from me. My sister and Ellie were already more risk than I knew how to carry.