Page 45 of Resurgent

“Sometimes it's stupid things. One of the instructors will write me a note explaining something like they don’t expect me to meet the same standards they hold everyone else to. One of my friends will send me a message like I’m a delicate doll that’s already so broken, it’ll shatter if the wind blows the wrong way.”

“They don't think you're broken.”

“I know.” I look up, tears I’m infuriatingly unable to control gliding down my cheeks. “I know they don't mean to. But they do it anyway.”

Korr's expression shifts.

“They're careful around me. They watch me. They ask if I'm okay every five minutes.” I laugh once, without humor. “And sometimes I appreciate it. Sometimes I really do.”

I look toward Tyr. “But other times, it makes me feel like I'm standing outside my own life, watching everyone else live it.”

Korr's jaw tightens, “Annalise—”

“And then I'll be in the woods,” I continue, needing to get it all off my chest finally.

“A stick will snap.” The memory hits hard enough that I feel it in my soul. “And suddenly I'm there again.”

The forest. The attack. The helplessness.

My fingers curl into my palms as I take deep breaths.

“One second I'm fine. The next, I can't breathe. My counselor keeps telling me I need to slow down.”

Korr leans forward slightly. “Have you considered she might be right?”

I shake my head.

“She might be, but I need to be ready.”

Korr looks at me, the search for the right words to say evident on his face.

“I need to be ready,” I repeat. “Because everything that’s happened to me doesn't get to decide what happens next.”

“I'm not saying it does.”

“I know,” I say, my eyes finally meeting his. “I've lived through trauma before. And I know this is different. I'm not pretending it isn't. But I've learned how to compartmentalize. How to take the pieces I can't deal with yet and put them somewhere safe until I can.”

Korr watches me carefully. “That's not always healthy.”

“Probably not.” I give him a faint smile. “But it's how I survived. It’s how I can stand to face myself in the mirror and how I can take every single fucked up thing I’ve survived and DECIDE they don’t get to control me.”

He’s silent as I continue, “I don't want to be benched.”

“You won’t be.”

“But I am…Don’t get me wrong, I'm not stupid enough to think I'm going to wake up tomorrow and magically be exactly where I was before.” My throat tightens. “It'll take time—but it’ll take even longer if everyone keeps walking on eggshells around me.”

Korr leans back slowly, his gaze never leaving mine. “Just stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.”

I blink.

His voice is quieter now. “You don't have to prove you're not broken every second of every day.”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

I don't answer, because I don't. Not really.