Page 73 of A Haunting at Keystone Manor

“It’s perfect,” she says and sits on the armchair opposite the couch. Alex and I sit back down. “It’s nice to meet you, Jake. And you must be Alex,” she says, looking at him. “I’m glad you called me. So, for our first meeting we’ll start off simple. I’ll tell you a bit about myself, and you can tell me more about the things you’d like to work on during our sessions. We’ll get to know each other a bit, make sure it’s a good fit.”

“Sounds good,” I say.

“My name is Lisa. I’ve been a therapist for six years. I attended Binghampton University for my undergrad in psychology. I got my master’s at NYU and recently received my Ph.D. in clinical psychology from there as well. I specialize in trauma counseling and often work with patients that have experienced everything from childhood abuse to domestic violence, sexual assault and physical assault. Alex mentioned on the phone that you’ve been dealing with panic attacks and night terrors, but we didn’t get into specifics. Do you have any questions for me?”

I shake my head.

“Okay, we can start whenever you’re ready. Give me a brief rundown of what’s been going on and I’ll see if we can come up with a plan to help you out. You can say as much or as little as you want. Do you want Alex to stay in here, or do you want to have a one on one session?”

I take a deep breath. “I want him to stay.” Alex squeezes my hand and I give him a small smile before I start talking.

“Where do I even start?” I ask. I decide I’ll leave what happened with my father for another day. I’m not prepared to think about him today. “I was raped, a few months ago. By a close friend of my father’s. It wasn’t the first time. It started when I was… really young. My father practically handed me to him on a silver platter. He killed–tried to kill me when I ran from him. He came after me again recently. Kidnapped me and… he tortured me, and someone else I care about. He’s dead now, but I still feel like I’m waiting for him to come back somehow, hurt me or Alex.”

I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees, hiding my face in my hands in embarrassment. “This probably sounds so pathetic coming from someone like me. I’m supposed to be strong, be a man, get past it, whatever. Be able to fight back. I just feel weak. Like I can’t be what Alex needs. Some days I don’t even know why he sticks around.” I watch her write down some notes on her pad before setting her pen down.

“Thank you for telling me that. Male victims of crimes like sexual assault and rape are a lot more common than you’d think, they just often don’t report it. It can happen to anyone; how big or strong you are has no bearing. Did you report your assaults to the police, or tell anyone in your life?”

“No, I didn’t think anyone would ever take me seriously or believe me…” I trail off. She nods and patiently waits for me to continue. “If I had told my father when it was happening, he would have killed me for it. Told me I deserved it, brought it on myself. That kind of thing.”

“I see. That’s a tough position to be in. Most people don’t report. It’s a choice every survivor has to make for themselves. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Even if other people got hurt because I didn’t?” I ask her.

She nods. “What people choose to do is not your fault. Their actions are not on you.”

“Okay.” I wring my hands in front of me. “He’s gone now, my father is gone, and Alex and I are trying to run this hotel… but I’m still terrified that something is going to come for me that’ll take me away from this place.”

“What do you think is going to come for you?”

“I don’t know. What if he’s not really dead? I saw him die in front of me, but sometimes I don’t believe it’s real. I can’t.”

“Are you talking about your father, or the man who raped you?”

“Both.”

She jots a few more notes down on her pad. “Do you take any medications for anxiety or depression?”

I shake my head.

“Would you be interested in trying one?”

“No, I don’t want to take anything,” I say simply.

“Okay, that’s fine. I’d like to go over a few exercises with you that can help you during a panic attack. Alex, I’d like to discuss some things with you as well that I think will be beneficial. I have some resources for partners of sexual assault survivors that I’d like you to read. Does that sound good?”

“Absolutely. And I just want to say, for the record, that I don’t see you differently because of what happened to you, and I don’t think you’re any less of a man. I know I’ve told you that before, but I think it bears repeating, because I want you to believe me when I say it. I’ve never been… assaulted, so I don’t know what it’s like to go through that, or what it’s like to have to live with it afterward. But I want to learn for you.”

I shake my head again, heart constricting at the thought of Alex being subjected to that kind of torment. “I glad you don’t know what it’s like. I don’t ever want you to know that.”

***

By the end of our session, I’m emotionally wrung out. Lisa left us both with homework. I feel exhausted, but also hopeful that maybe I’m not irreparably damaged.

“I’m so proud of you. Do you want to see her again?” Alex asks as he wraps an arm around my shoulders.

“Yeah, I do. This’ll be good for me; for us. I want to be better for you.”

He rubs my back. “I’ll set up our next appointment with her, then. I love you, baby.”